In a not so surprising decision last night, the Prime Minister declared Pakistan to be an 18+ country, from now on. The news comes after the Kasur incident where reportedly more than 200 children were raped and filmed, scarring them for life.
“It’s getting harder and harder to raise kids in Pakistan and more importantly to keep their innocence and their lives intact so we thought it’s in the interest of everyone that we do away with the kids for now” – Spokesperson of the Prime Minister
What the Prime Minister’s decision means for the country is that anyone below the age of 18 cannot exist in Pakistan and must flea, as soon as possible. In recent years, further explained the spokesperson, we’ve had children massacred for going to school, girls have been shot and stoned time and time again for wanting an education, or even speaking up about it, kids have been denied the right to polio vaccinations and this recent rape scandal is sure to have stepped on many feet. It is only fair that children are done with, for a while at least, since we’re already engaged in so many other fronts and cannot deal with yet another problem.
This correspondent tried to approach some people having coffee at the prestigious Islamabad Club for comments. They had some interesting insight:
“You know we do feel for the kids and what’s happening to them but we need to be honest to ourselves, they are becoming sort of a nuisance at times”, one man said. He was referring to the katchi abaadi in Islamabad that was wiped off because it was illegally placed there, “now if there weren’t so many kids there this wouldn’t have been an issue!”
News reports suggest that the decision to bar anyone below the age of 18 came after a similar spate of events, certainly the Kasur scandal being the cherry on the top, putting a financial and logistical strain on the government machinery in dealing with children related issues.
“I think this decision is the need of the hour, right now we have to spend around 5% of our wealth towards their education- we simply can’t afford to do it, we need bullets right now not pens” said the Finance Minister when approached for comments regarding the decision.
There is chatter among the closer circles in Islamabad that in a few years Prime Minister will further increase the country’s age limit to 30 to try and completely eliminate any problems that come with dealing with a younger, more vocal, population.
The opposition parties, most especially the PTI, are not happy with the decision and have already announced plans for a dharna during the winters, to supplement their shaadi season dance practices.
“We are going to go for this dharna come what may, most of our supporters are below the age of 18 and we cannot afford to lose any more support”, said a PTI leader.
The Prime Minister’s secretariat was kind enough to clarify that this decision does not mean that kids will be stopped from coming to Pakistan or being raised here but that they’re simply not welcome. That is, if something happens to the children, the Government or its institutions will not and cannot be held responsible.
The nation is already faced with more important issues, they said, like the recent skirmishes with Indian officials over who can throw out the most enraging political statements, and it does not have time for all the hue and cry over some children.
Editor’s note: This is a satirical article