This is Shah Rukh Khan.
We’ve all watched Shah Rukh Khan’s movies. Even if you didn’t want to, you eventually ended up watching him stutter and shake his head vigorously in efforts of looking ‘C-O-O-L’ (refer to the faux pas that was considered a fashion statement in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.)
He is also responsible for empowering guys everywhere to follow in his footsteps. If you’ve ever watched his movies, you’ll know why that’s a major problem:
1. He doesn’t know when to back off
Everyone remembers Dil Toh Pagal Hai – SRK is searching for the lead heroine of his play when he has a weird dance/drum off battle between him and Madhuri through those huge ass walls because screw logic.
This convinces him that Madhuri is his Maya. He employs the most strategic tactic in order to convince her- he stalks her the next day and makes a scene in the marketplace till she- someone who doesn’t know anything about him or his shady play- says yes. Then again, if someone’s on their knees in your local market, your options are pretty limited.
2. His shame quotient is pretty much non existent
The face of sappy, cheese fest of a love story that Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is, is the emotional story of how one man got two women, one based on the length of her skirts and the other based on how she underwent a personality transplant to become the perfect biwi.
Rahul was, to put it bluntly, a horrible excuse for a human being. He lied to women in order to make fraandship, forgetting their names in the process. He abused Tina’s father to her face, climbed into her room while giving her a spoiler to the book she was reading (if she hadn’t died, they would’ve definitely gotten divorced because of that) and didn’t bother keeping in touch with his so-called best friend Anjali after she left mid-college.
To top it all off, he reproduced, which resulted in this pest.
Mini Anjali took it upon herself to get her father married to an already engaged woman. (Seriously, he needs to find single women.)
The last straw was probably the ending, where he strolls in mid-wedding and conveniently tells Anjali that he loves her, and calmly takes over Salman Khan’s wedding preparations, guests and catering by getting married to Anjali himself. Major dick move, SRK.
3. He believes that he transcends moral values
This is what yet another one of SRK starrer, Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, is about, briefly:
Not only is he a useless asshole in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, he’s a useless asshole that cheats.
I’m not even going to elaborate. This movie belongs with all of Ram Gopal Verma’s movies. This was a low point in his (and Akon’s) careers.
5. He likes to lead women on and watch their hearts burn
Kal Ho Na Ho was a great movie. It taught Bollywood fans the real meaning of YOLO in the early 2000’s.
SRK’s character, Aman, got to romance two heroines – Priety Zinta (Naina) and Saif Ali Khan (does it really matter?)
Everything about this movie was great. He swooped in as a highly imposing and intrusive neighbor, magically made all the Kapoors’ troubles vanish, while making Naina fall in love with him. Let’s face it, he lead her on. If you know you’re going to die, you might want to highlight the fake marriage story earlier so that Naina can hate you consistently.
Anyway, he kinda makes up for this by setting Naina up with his other girlfriend, Saif. I guess it all worked out for everyone. Except for the part where Naina’s still reminiscing a dead guy in the presence of her husband. Oh well.
6. He has no regard for rules or education
I’m not talking about him being banned from stadiums, that’s probably a weekend activity for him.
Let’s talk about Mohabbatein, where Raj Aryan Malhotra takes three unsuspecting youngsters under his dead-girlfriend-seeing wing. It’s all downhill from there. Along with being a grown-ass delinquent, he encourages these boys to follow in his extremely misguided footsteps.
7. He doesn’t care if you’re grieving
He shows up to Gurukul in order to fill Amitabh Bachan’s life with love and joy. The most logical way to do that is by bringing up his dead daughter, telling him he was a horrible father and causing AB to have an overall mental breakdown.
10 points to SRK.
8. He is a borderline-alarming sexist
Devdas is a cinematic masterpiece about a snooty, self-righteous ass (Dev) and how he treats all the women in his life like shit.
He talks down to Paro pretty much all the time.
He even considers it okay to sneak up on her.
9. He has no concern for consent
What do you do when your supposed girlfriend is asleep in her room? If you’re Shah Rukh Khan, you invade her personal space.
10. He’s the worst at family ties
SRK and Jaya Bachan shared a questionable relationship in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. She had some foot related sensors connected to her brain cells that tingled every time he was around.
And then flash forward to where Hrithik Roshan shows up to retrieve SRK and his family. He fails to recognise his own brother who:
A) uses their father’s name
B) is CRYING while talking to him
10/10 observational skills.
11. He drops bachis like a child dropping a plate full of bhindis
12. He believes he can double as a hakeem baba
Upon seeing an injured bird and an understandably annoyed Amrish Puri in a scene from Dilwale Dulhanya Le Jayeinge, he lathers some good ole’ bharat ki mitti on the bird, claiming it has healing powers. Because screw medicine and science.
13. He is insensitive to religious beliefs
His characters have some beef with God in every movie. He takes that a notch further in Jab Tak Hai Jaan where he pretty much challenges God to an arm wrestling match, basically asking for lightning bolts up his ass because his girlfriend left him.
The only way he can get her back, obviously, is by ridiculing her belief and smearing her promise to God.
Apart from all of that, Shah Rukh Khan plays a homicidal stalker in Happy New Year, Darr and Baazigar (starting to see a pattern here?) What an icon.
So, as a Public Service Message here is what we have to say to you: #StopSRK2k15