Caution: This is satire.
Late last night, after gulping two buckets of KFC and a liter of soda, Altaf Hussain reportedly had pangs of stomach aches and unregulated gaseous release leading to continuous visits to the toilet – which ultimately led to the blocking of the neighborhood’s sewage system.
Shortly after, the MQM Chief announced his hunger strike…
Sources close to “Bhai,” on condition of anonymity, told of his pain. The doctors have reportedly warned Altaf not to eat anymore; if not for his sake, at least for the people of his neighborhood. His excessive farting and frequent bathroom visits had already been a concern for the neighborhood over the years, but the toxicity has now reached unparalleled levels.
But things are looking good for the neighborhood residents as Altaf Hussain himself has supposedly gotten sick of food after the incident.
During a discussion with MangoBaaz‘s reporter, “Bhai” seemed in immense pain and concern over his bowl movements. He also spoke very briefly about something going on in Karachi but kept interrupting himself with some unexpected releases of gas.
People back home seemed genuinely concerned over Eid preparations. But Farooq Sattar, the deputy convener of MQM, has assured us and “Bhai”, that if it wasn’t for Eid all our concern would be for our leader. People were a bit confused.
Having said that, Farooq Sattar also vowed to make Sindhi Baryani for his leader, which is supposedly Bhai’s favorite. More so, he said he’d deliver the biryani with Bhai’s favorite bottle. “Then we’ll see if he remains on his hunger strike.” Farooq Sattar was quick to address the elephant in the room, and added that Bhai’s favorite bottle was Abbe Zam Zam!
Sources at the local hospital claim that the MQM Chief was reportedly diagnosed with “Crap-Bag” syndrome, which is a continuous feeling of utter uselessness.
(Crap-Bad syndrome – “A feeling of utter uselessness – where one does ample amount of ridiculous stuff to gain attention”)
Reports coming from the MQM leader’s home in London, referred to by locals as Gas-house, say that Altaf Hussain will probably cut down the hunger strike to 15 minutes after every hour. However, this is all dependent on the arrival of Farooq Sattar’s Sindhi Biryani and the supposed ‘bottle’. The Rabita Committee has assured the public that whatever is decided, Altaf Hussain’s hunger strike schedule will be posted on the website. Moreover, to help the people of Karachi, Altaf Bhai will also be posting some new selfies so that the people of Karachi can forget about the real problems.
A group of individuals have also started a twitter trend #BhaiGoesHungry – we will update you as the story develops more.