Pakistan has the unchallenged honor of being a country where the nation’s favorite television pastime is a choice between Aamir Liaquat forcing a mango inside you, or men in plain shalwar kameez making a mango out of you! In this country one simply cannot escape politics, especially after last year’s election when the “intelligentsia” also finally realized that unless everyone partakes in deciding the future of our country, we can’t do much about changing it.
Now that there is a variety of politically charged people, here is a list of some of the political activists that you might come across in Pakistan:
1. The Minions
These are the political soldiers of social media! They burn the midnight oil, thinking of a perfect status with limited grammatical errors to compensate their inner guilt for not being able to vote as aren’t of age yet. In the Game of Posts, some statuses must get edited, some friends must get mentioned, no one must win and you might even get blocked!
Verdict: Less internet, more parhai, kids
2. The Dharna Goers
For them, political gatherings are a chance to see a free concert. Dare we say their Saturday nights are very political savvy! They attend dharnas to get stoned a little and check out some girls because, hey why not – all of it helps with the efficiency in bringing change.
Verdict: Wake up and vote first!
3. Those who go by how “cayoot” the politician is
For some, Imran Bhai’s good looks are enough! Grammarians would agree. If you have a political argument with them, they will end it with saying “But he’s so cayoot!” For them our current prime minister having the charms of a certain animated green looking character is enough to deem him ineligible!
Verdict: Props to Khan saab for being able to go shirtless at his age.
4. Bhai Log
Probably the most infamous of them all. They’re actually nice people, who spend most of their time listening to rather entertaining phone calls, despite infamously being known as bori fans. Their history and PR skills don’t exactly support their narrative, sadly.
Verdict: Please don’t make us a bori, see we said you’re good people!
5. The Gossip Mongers
These are the worst of the lot because politics, for them, revolves around personal lives of leaders. Who fathered whose child, who’s not happy in their marriage, who secretly has a girlfriend, who’s having an affair behind their husband’s back? All of these are questions that are more important to them than how to resolve the countless issues plaguing Pakistan that can actually threaten the country’s very existence.
Verdict: Aunties, please just focus on your lawn jora competitions and your Filipino nannies. You give a bad name to womenfolk around the country.
6. Overly Patriotic Boyz
This lot is something I want to describe as passionate or in political terms “ Jiyallas” of the party, but common sense restricts them to just plane crazy. For them, you are not human for supporting any other party. It’s equal to treason or they’ll simply assume you’re a closeted gora – which automatically makes you a friend of the ahemJewsahem, as well. That’s a precarious situation to be in.
Verdict: Pick up a dictionary and learn the meanings of these two words: (1) Tolerance (2) Civilized
7. The Television Watchers
The champion conspiracy theorists! This lot watches a LOT of political “analysis” by the myriad of self-proclaimed “maaroof sahafi” on our TV screens. Their opinions are as flawed as the idea that democracy cannot work for Pakistan.
Verdict: Please turn off the damn TV.
8. The Non-Taxpaying Cynics
This lot believes in the honorable principle of not giving a damn! It works pretty well for them, actually. They can complain all they want and they really don’t have to pick a side. They don’t believe in the idea of voting or going to dharnas and rallies because for them all this is pointless, and this country has already been given to the dogs.
Verdict: Leave the country, already! – You have the black money to do so.
9. The Ja-noonis
This lot usually votes as a family, they have a generations old heritage of voting for the party their family connections chose for them. They’re probably industrialists or have a friend who’s a friend of someone who’s brother is something in the party! Their way of celebrating things is over a bowl of steaming hot nihari or Butt ki kirahi.
Verdict: It’s really hard to defend you people sometimes.
10. Angry Young Momins
These are usually students from Punjab University, they impose their own political activism wherever they find fit, and by impose I mean physical imposition. They don’t believe much in the power of social media, but the power of a mob? They’re your people! With time and criticism, they’ve learnt to camouflage themselves well but now and again when given the chance you can see them flooding the streets or blackening some billboards.
Verdict: Please guys, we understand you don’t “get some” but please don’t take it out on the rest of us.
11. The Media
Okay, I think we’re all a little too familiar with these ones. Now don’t get me wrong there is a lot that these people or medium need to be thanked and appreciated for. They will make your political activism into a mighty crusade, or at least a catchy Bollywood item song if they, or more importantly their investors, believe in it. You can’t blame them for picking up only certain causes, sometimes there are more money-making issues to deal with than hearing about some children getting raped in a small district.
Verdict: Pray that the day when people actually wake up is far off, because you guys are the first ones going down. Or better yet, there’s something called being “true” and “good”.