Ah! the smell of freshly brewed coffee. One whiff and it can solve all your problems. Coffee understands you like no one else does, it’s loyal and it always has your back. However loving coffee to the core of your heart is a little problematic in Pakistan. In a nation of chai loving freaks, it’s hard to truly connect with your one true love.
Here are some problems you may face when getting your coffee fix in Pakistan:
Finding the ‘right’ coffee place
You’re driving to work in search for coffee, with low caffeine levels and a rising frustration. With so many phony options all over the place, the frustration only spikes. What a terrible start to the day,
Hearing ‘chai nahin peetay, kis tarah ke Pakistani ho‘
How is my nationality measured by the amount of chai I can chug? I love coffee, let me be.
Or “oh beta ghar mein kaaffi nahin hai, orange juice chalay ga?‘
NO! Why do I even come to your house? Actually, why do we even know each other?
Also, ‘how do you drink black coffee?’
With my mouth, duh! Comments like this only reinforce your belief that coffee is bae, coffee is life.
The rage when your friends order those ‘Ice Cream Coffee Chillers’ thingies
Why do you even hang out with these people? Adding ice cream to coffee is a sin. Bas.
You seriously consider taking coffee beans around with you
Most of the time you won’t find coffee when you most desperately need it. Isn’t it better to just keep some beans on hand like always? Some of you may even, actually, carry your beans around.
When someone says ‘Coffee bari mehngi hai, chai peetay hain‘
How dare you insult coffee like that! It’s the drink of gods and all you can say to describe it is ‘mehnga‘. LOL.
When “coconuts” say they love coffee!
When a bahir -se-Pakistani-dikhne-walay-aur-andar-se-wannabe-angraiz say this all you want to tell them is to shut up and drink their White Chocolate Latte or whatever that sorry excuse for coffee is.
You shrieking, “PAKISTAN MEIN STARBUCKS KAB KHULE GA?”
Starbucks, if you’re listening, aaja, aa bhi jaa. PLISS!
Coffee is on the top of your list whenever you travel outside of the country
Forget the museums or the malls, you just need to know where them coffee shops are at. Also most of your baggage space will be taken up with foreign wali coffee (because it is better).
The baristas here will get your order wrong, always
‘Less sugar, less foam and double shot espresso please. Samajh aaya hai na?’
‘Jee sir!’
Yup, he didn’t get it. You’ll probably end up getting double sugar, 3/4th cup of foam and half an espresso shot.
Most of these ‘truck art chai places’ don’t cater to your coffee needs
Everyone loves these places and so do you but there’s nothing there for you to drink. So beverage-ist of them.
No one knows the difference between light, medium and dark roast
No one knows about it, and it isn’t even available. Luckily for all you all who don’t know, light is full of caffeine and basically wakes you up and dark is all about the flavor with less caffeine. All the coffee is just the same to everyone here. Hayee.
You’re labelled as elitist for drinking coffee
‘Kya baat hai, coffee pee rahay ho! Baray aadmi ban chukay ho!’ *cue eye roll*
Going to a coffee shop and finding everything else except for a good variety of coffee
‘Lets go to Coffee Shop X!’
‘Haan yaar wahan pe pizza acha hai‘
‘Wut?!’
Coffee will forever be amazing and will stay close to your heart. No amount of illiteracy on the matter will change that. All you can do is pray that one day Pakistan takes coffee in its arms and love it as much as you do.
Cover Image via: Pratik Bhatnagar