Editor’s note: This is a satirical article.
A pigeon from a Christian dominant colony Yahodabad was convicted of blasphemy on Sunday. These charges were made when a pigeon aimed droppings on a local masjid’s imam while he was enjoying some alone time with one of the Masjid’s pupil. The local police was a little hesitant at first to register the F.I.R against the pigeon but then sense prevailed and the F.I.R was registered.
In the F.I.R, the imam claimed that he heard blasphemous cooing sounds. He also stated that he had a gift of understanding and translating cooing sounds.
Ahle Sunni Wal Jammat (ASWJ) has it taken upon themselves to get rid of this blasphemous pigeon. The imam claimed the pigeon would release its forbidden excrements regularly onto him, which according to him confirmed that the pigeon was of Jewish descent, which is why he was residing in a Christian colony. During a rally organized by ASJW and Harpic Toiler Cleaners (a famous toilet cleaning enterprise), the imam stated that he doesn’t care about the pigeon pooping on him, anybody can poop on him; in fact he’s so used to it that he can’t start his day without getting “dropped” on. But nobody can commit blasphemy and insult this religion, be it him, the neighbor’s cat, a stray dog, or a pigeon.
The Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam (JUI-F) raised a motion in the Parliament to ban all the pigeons residing in Pakistan. The JUI-F parliamentarian said there was no room for these Jewish creatures. Our Islamabad correspondent asked different political leaders about the issue and got mixed responses.
I have already put our finest investigation team on it – they are trained in translating cooing sounds. Once the investigation is complete, only then we would be able to comment.
Imran Khan (PTI)
It’s a sensitive issue, I wouldn’t like to comment on it but I would say that if I were in Government, the Pigeon and the Imams would have had mutual respect for each other.
It’s an Indian and Jewish propaganda to rule us. These pigeons are their doings; these birds were made by Mossad and transported via India to destabilize us.
Maulana Fazal-Ur-Rehman (JUI-F)
These birds are haram, I have been saying this for a long time. We should have a ban on them imme…diate…ly… (Maulana saab was distracted by some girls in jeans walking by and stuttered while finishing his sentence).
Farooq Sattar (MQM)
We have already sent someone to England to discuss the matter with Altaf Bhai and shortly Altaf Bhai via telephone will address all the pigeons in Pakistan. But be patient as Bhai is on hunger strike.
The pigeon unfortunately hasn’t been captured yet, but there are officers and different ASJW members getting on top of trees in Yahodobad waiting for the pigeon to come and rest, so they can slaughter it.
Widely acclaimed journalist, Mubashar Luqman, has pointed fingers at the Pakistan People’s Party, stating that Bilawal Bhutto and the Pigeon had close links. He also went on to say that their ties had strengthened recently after Asif Ali Zardari would not introduce Bilawal to Ayyan Ali.