Editor's note: This article is a work of satire
Since independence, the relationship between Pakistan and India has always been volatile and not much has changed today. Sometimes, things get slightly complicated when people on both sides make a futile effort of friendship and encouraging common sense. This had become a problem for the governments and their institutions on both sides and it was decided that this needs to be rectified.
MangoBaaz reporter Aam Nawab has learnt that both sides have decided to sign a ‘Hate Deal’. This deal would mean, effective immediately, no one would be allowed to spread the frivolous message of love and friendship across the borders and, more importantly, make ridiculous claims that the people on both sides share the same forefathers, languages and cultural history.
“Democracy is the will of the majority, it’s not always about the right decision but rather the popular decision and our people love to hate India so what better then to make it our national policy.This is truly a win for democracy today”
– PM Nawaz Sharif
Our reporter Aam Nawab recorded reactions of people from all walks of life regarding this new development and he learned that this decision has been welcomed by the media outlets for whom it was getting incredibly hard to find someone to pin the blame on when something went wrong.
“Now if anything goes wrong we can simply blame it on RAW, it was getting hard to convince people that problem might be within us and it was affecting our ratings”
– Sensational News Agency CEO
The sentiment is shared across the border, our reporter learned.
“Considering the amount of viewership we got when we reported about the Spy Pigeon, with this decision the possibilities go beyond angry birds – I have already been pitched in the idea for a segment called OMA (Overly Mature Animals), which is going to focus on the different spy animals ISI sends and what they can send in the future”
– NDTV News Agency CEO
Previously fired talk show host and current Facebook video-making, self-proclaimed anchor Faisal Qureshi has given a thumbs up to the Government and said that is how a “beti’ is meant to be treated and has further urged the government to stop recognizing India as a state. Then the anchor started imitating a little boy’s laugh, our reporter unfortunately couldn’t decipher that.
The ISPR spokesperson wasn’t available for comment, he preferred tweeting instead. In his tweet he congratulated the nation on this win and said this move would strengthen the military and silence its detractors who not very long ago were asking for cutting army’s budget and using the amount instead for non-trivial things such as health and education. “At this time we are in an egoistic war with India and we need to feed our egos with arms and bullets only then we will succeed”, he said.
Maulana Fuzulur Rehman has asked the Government to declare all NGO’s a Raw and Mosad conspiracy and be immediately shut down.
The Pakistani film industry has also shown excitement over the deal as without Indian movies coming to the country they believed now they won’t be criticized or compared with their Indian counterparts.
Hamza Ali Abassi was seen very ecstatic about the decision, and told the reporters that he would be posting a Facebook status very soon on this InshaAllah.
Our sources in the armed forces have also learnt that the next ISPR production would solely be based on the message of this hate deal and the cast will comprise of Abassi along with Shaan Shahid and Faisal Qureshi, to name a few.
“We are being criticized for lacking originality and copying Bollywood plots but now that would all change since there will be no Indian movies to compare us to”
– a famous Lollywood director made these remarks while chanting out “REVIVAL OF PAKISTANI CINEMA”!
Shan, while sharing his sentiments, especially urged the the government to ban anyone who has ever worked with Mawra Hocaine.
Like minded individuals like Hafiz Saeed and Uddav Thakrey also hailed the decision and called it a win for democracy.
The armed forces at LOC on both sides of the border were seen dancing to the tunes of “Show Me The Money” as the celebrations kicked off at No-Man’s land. After years of hardwork from both sides, they were finally able to officially hate each other, they said.