Don’t we all love making New Years resolutions and not following them through? It’s our favorite pastime and no matter which part of the world you belong to, you somehow feel the need to figure your life out through an all-encompassing list of goals.
A research suggests, as much as 40% people make New Years resolutions yet only 8% of them are able to achieve them. So for 2016, we decided to list down some of the most commonly planned New Years Resolutions that people probably won’t keep.
1. Start gymming and lose that pot-belly
You’re probably not the only one contemplating to jump on the starvation diet bandwagon. Join the club if you too die a little inside every time you indulge in a treat from McDonald’s and what better way to recuperate than finding solace in some nice calorie-capable dessert? But this vicious cycle needs to end and the epiphany would come to you at midnight on 31st December. You’ll buy a nice pair of track-pants and trainers as you make false promises to yourself about spending the whole of 2016 on a treadmill.
2. Take an international trip with your best friends
So you swear by the motto Jawani Phir Nahi Ani and you think the movie is a depiction of your near future. You plan an international holiday with your 3 best friends as a new year, a new beginning commences.
And just when you’re about to shop for skimpy dresses you’ll wear to nightclubs in Thailand, your friend calls you saying “Yaar amma nay ijazat nahi di.”
3. Remove that toxic love interest from your life and start anew
Have you been clinging on to a tragedy that is your love life? Do you hate to love him/her? You might have broken up with them 484786 times yet you can’t put your foot down and break free because you’re a wuss. But the perfect moment has arrived as the year draws to a close. And you might have that fatal text drafted and saved on your cell-phone but just when you’re about to hit send, you start imagining yourself alone and abandoned.
Congratulations to another miserable year, and on failing your favorite New Years Resolution for the 11th time.
4. Improve your grades
A new year marks a new classroom and new courses for some. It’s also time for a renewed resolve to achieve the impossible, to accomplish the unaccomplished and to score straight A’s. Because, if phupho ka beta can, SO CAN YOU!
Except, you just can’t.
5. Stop worrying about “Log kya kaheingay”
As long as you keep giving a bucket of shits to what people completely unrelated to you think of your antics, you’re going to lead a miserable, unhappy and unfulfilling life. This year you will take control, quit your job and move to Bora Bora.
…as long as papa keeps sending pocket money.
6. Be a kickass time manager
We love to read blogs on recipes to become better time managers and have more control over our lives. Sadly, we invest more time in reading those tips & tricks than we could’ve spent implementing them. But that’s a thing of the past. You’ve subscribed to 23 blogs and websites that’ll help you extract 30 hours out of a 24-hour day FOC (Free of Cost) and you’re all set for 2016 as you swear to manage the living hell out of your time.
7. Initiate a spiritual catharsis
2016 will also be a year for purging your mind & body of all unnecessary, negative thoughts. As you YouTube yoga lessons (we’re told it’s coming back to Pakistan very soon), you also pledge to be a good Samaritan and spread happiness wherever you go with rainbow shavings on top…UNTIL…you see that one colleague who CC-ed your boss in his whiny email.
Yeah no, that loser ain’t getting no rainbow shavings in this lifetime.
8. Quit smoking
Remember that time you started off a New Year by vowing to never come in contact with any kind of smoke again? Yeah neither do I. After all, what is a New Years Eve even without crossing your heart to never take a puff again? Your resolve is so strong you swear to not even hang around a chimney or be a part of any BBQ party of the season. This year you mean it when you dump your smokes stash outside the window once and for all…only to pick it back up in the morning.
9. Eat clean
Brown bread. Check. Brown Rice. Check. Brown Sugar. Check. Brown eggs. Check. Brown water. Check.
You swear to not even look at a burger again. Or think of fettucini alfredo. 2016 is going to be a year of browns. But you know what else is brown? CHOCOLATE FUDGE.
10. GET MARRIED!
Another year. Another series of unfortunate events. As you sit and munch on cheese fries while looking at people’s never ending snapstories of their dholkis and mehndi dances, you ponder over what the next year has in store for you. Maybe your honaywala khawand is around you but you never gave it a chance? Now is your time to loosen up and give love a chance.
Now if only you could find a Fawad Khan look alike with a heart and mine (this isn’t a typo) of gold, you’re good to go.
11. Be on better terms with your Phupho
Try to take it as a love-hate relationship focusing more on the former than the latter. After all, your phupho is your dad’s sister! How bad can it be, right? You pledge to give peace another chance and start your bond afresh with your jigar ka tota that your phupho would be from now on.
If only she could take her nose back that you found poking in your business for the 400th time.
13. Work on your physical appearance
You spent the whole of 2015 wasting your life away watching beauty bloggers chisel and sculpt the shit out their faces. Why? Because 2016 is the year you change your cheek-bone game for good. You’ve spent a fortune on beauty blenders and sculpting brushes and your face shalt be thy canvas. You do a pilot-run in December 2015 only to end up looking like a victim of domestic abuse.
14. Learn to make desi khana
You know you’re a true nikammi if you’ve spent your entire life baking desserts rich in fats or boiling Maggi noodles. But as you enter a new year, you promise to reintroduce yourself in the household as the new culinary queen, following Chef Rahat’s recipes. Too bad, in reality you’ll only end up curling in a corner at the sight of a pressure cooker.
So this New Years Eve, the only promise you need to make, is to cut yourself some slack (along with some cake) and live it up!