Editor’s Note: The views expressed here are those of the author’s and don’t necessarily represent or reflect the views of MangoBaaz.
By: Ukasha Iqbal
There is little debate that the best city in Pakistan is Lahore, and its inhabitants, with their indiscriminate fervor for all things, the best people. If hypothetically there were to exist one so idiotic, so incorrigibly braindead as to question Lahore’s primacy over all other places in Pakistan and possibly the world, he may quickly be shut up with the unshakeable axiom that until one has seen Lahore… etc.
There is nothing so glorious as a Lahori winter.
Residents were overjoyed this November when, bang on the 1st, winter arrived in full glory. A magical haze ensconced the city as residents woke to a cool morning, and promptly adjusted their plans to make enjoyment of this cozy milieu their highest priority, while setting less fun activities like work commitments and critical thinking on the back burner. Questions regarding the uncharacteristic timing of the fog were rightly labelled ungratefulness against Allah’s blessings and swiftly dismissed. Other detractors were revealed as Karachiites jealous of Lahoris’ style and savoir faire.
Amid growing concerns over the timing of this fog relevant authorities were approached
The concerned environmental protection agency could not be contacted for comment before two days had elapsed. A spokesperson was eventually able to make contact and explained that their lack of response, for two days, was due to the lack of functioning telephone line, electricity and access to paved roads in their office. In addition to the aforementioned, their carrier pigeon had been delayed due to the fog and their donkey had taken a beating for impregnating a jennet from an affluent family in the neighboring village.
“Anyways,” said the official.
The expert consensus is that you have indeed been enjoying your evening chai-pakoras in what appears to be a noxious cocktail of pollutants, and the unverifiable but undoubted cause of the same is a conspiracy from our insecure neighbors to derail us from our otherwise hunky-dory goings on.
Also see: The Smog In Lahore Is A Catastrophe And Here’s What You Can Do About It
Health ministry was contacted to ask for measures to protect from this threat from our neighbors to the East
When asked for directives to deal with the effects of what many still doubt is dangerous chemical pollutants, the health ministry advised that individuals displaying sensitivity to the chemicals be identified and isolated immediately. “These individuals appear to represent a deviation from the hardy Punjabi strain and must be taken care of immediately. With the smog now expected to be a perennial feature of our weather, we are confident that natural selection will take care of them,” the handsome official was then reported to have winked, becomingly.
Meanwhile, businesses have been quick to capitalize on the opportunity to boost sales.
Local DHA-based designer Sasha Michélle Allahditta has launched her all-neons capsule collection called Distopic Diva. We sought comment from attendees of Allahditta’s exhibition where customers can choose from a large variety of surgical and gas masks, embellished with ethnic embroidery and images of Imran Khan. Prominent socialite Rükayya Basheyr commented, “The idea that we’re in the middle of some catastrophe, I just don’t buy it. The biggest catastrophe in this city is the androon sheher wallas’ accents,” The rest of her comment could not be discerned over the ensuing applause and toasts of Veuve Clicquot honey.
Educationists are more cognizant of new challenges.
Veteran educationist Dr. Nayyer Hussain who runs a renowned girls’ school said, “Schools are under ever-increasing pressure to maximize our profits owing to our bottomless desire to do so. Pursuant to our philosophy to produce law-abiding, compliant members of society who pose no threat to capitalist hegemony and the establishment, we have instituted additional courses on climate change denial, for only a minor fee rise.”
Once off the record she went on, “Some might also joke that by compliant we mean our girls are both comely and pliant but I am not going to be that person,” she beamed.
Also see: This Is What Would Happen If The Smog In Lahore Got Out Of Control
Religious authorities also reacted to the EPA’s bombshell
The have made calls for adjournment of their three-day shukrana observance and calling for a three-day Diwali-condemnation ceremony. “This is all because of the firecrackers and incense – this smog isn’t smog at all, it’s (reference to bodily function) straight from Satan’s (reference to body part),” commented a senior cleric.
Editor’s note: We shouldn’t have to clarify this anymore, but here goes: It was satire, guys.
Cover image via: dawn.com