So D-…I mean V-day is just around the corner and while all your shaadi shudda and *ahem*committed*ahem* friends can’t wait for this Sunday, you’ve decided this year that your boycott of this love charade is going to be far from private and here’s why
1. Lighter than air on your pocket
You know what’s better than spending shitloads on chocolates and red velvet for your date? Spending shitloads on chocolates and red velvet for your bloody self. You heard me.
The only one that deserves this is MYSELF.
2. You don’t have to pretend to eat with sophistication in a poorly lit room
You know what’s the worst thing about being in love? Candle light dinners.
a. I don’t see any reason to not be able to admire my food in all its glory.
b. Why do I need to not stuff my face with nachos just because a person sitting on the opposite side of the table is staring at me?
c. I consider having food a date in itself. It’s a private affair. Any third person sitting is nothing but the intruder.
3. You don’t have to bathe in red
The only thing I like in red is fresh blood at a crime scene. Jk. Ok, no really I’m serious. From shops to florists to restaurants, on 14th February, the whole city is shamelessly drenched in red and pink. I mean I would rather stare at a wall than look at red heart-shaped balloons, cushions, roses and chocolates all day long.
4. The perfect opportunity to be a Feminazi
14th Feb is a great day to project your inner woman. That applies to men also. For all those single ladies, it’s time to tell the world how you’re a strong independent woman. You don’t need a man to make you feel right. In fact it’s the perfect day to confess your undying love for yourself to the world.
5. Chill without the fear of getting caught by Maya Khan
The infamous Maya Khan a.k.a date police has her spies spread all over the top dating spots in the country and we all know that hell hath no fury like a Maya Khan spotting two love birds.
6. No lying to parents
Congratulations on dodging jahannam ka azaab by being truthful to your parents for once in your life. 14th Feb is coming on a Sunday making it all the more difficult to make weekend-class bahanas. No date means no lies and eternal peace in the afterlife.
7. Escalated Self-Esteem
By deciding to stay alone on Valentine’s day, you essentially eradicate the fear of asking the love of your life out and being turned down by them. Ignorance is bliss.
8. No shower Sunday
Valentine’s Day means lots of cleaning and dressing up. Even if you’re a guy, you would have to spend an additional one hour to make yourself presentable no matter how truthfully fruitless that effort would eventually be. And if you happen to be a woman…well let’s just not even go there.
So. Truth be told. Save all that water for our future generations and just stay in this V-day.
9. Save on truckloads of cheesiness
Valentine’s Day means cheesy confessions, a million I love you’s, touchy-feely moments, serenades and a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes. Not to say that stuff isn’t good but it’s just not right when you’re doing it because of some commercial day. Let’s just face it. Cheese only belongs to the top of a burger patty.
10. You save precious lives
Plants are legit living things and the outrageous price hike on the sale of roses on Valentine’s day is worse than slave trade to me. They belong in the wild, not suffocating vases. How would you like it if someone cut your feet off only to immerse your upper half in salty water?
Imagine this as your reincarnation next time you pluck a flower.
11. 14th February for you is just another 14th August
There’s no feeling more liberating than not having anyone to be accountable to or get expensive presents for. 14th February is when you celebrate your Chauda August a.k.a Jashne Azadi..azaadi from annoying AF questions like:
– Whatsapp pay online Ho, kis say baatein Ker rahay Ho?
– Line busy arahi thi, itna lamba phone kiska tha?
– Good morning ka message Kyun nahi kiya subha?
– Why have you changed?
– What are you thinking?
– Hum dono ka future kya hai?
12. Population control is a grave issue.
Chances are that halal nikkahfied couples will get *ahem*busy*ahem*. But you know what’s better than happy hour? Not having to pay university tuition for 5 kids. So pat yourself on the back for helping curb the global population crisis.
13. Netflix and Chill by yourself.
Because there’s literally nothing better than a day spent hanging on the couch with Netflix.
14. The cats are gon’ love it
Being single means extra TLC for your cat(s) which is beyond awesome. Let me know if you find a man with fur who purs and we can talk.
15. Have “thoughts” about Fawad Khan without feeling guilty
Not being in a relationship = HELLO CELEBRITY CRUSHES! Being in a relationship means not being able to have thoughts about anyone other than bae without feeling guilty. So free yourself of undue guilt this Valentine’s day and feel free to cuddle with a cardboard cut-out of Fawad Khan.
16. Embrace and Celebrate Galentine’s day
Your best friend is the one who listens to you complain about work, your go-to person for shopping advice, your agony aunt for heartbreaks and tbh the true love of your life. So if anyone deserves a dinner date this Sunday, it’s not your bae but your BFF. All hail Galentine’s Day.
17. You can analyse some data
The chart speaks for itself…
18. Just another Capitalist Hoax
Let’s face the truth: Valentine’s day is nothing but just another Capitalist ruse to shove consumerism down our throats because to be honest, who would want to spend thousands on heart shaped candy, balloons, chocolates and trashy red junk on a regular day?
So this Valentine’s Day, instead of cursing your single-hood and drowning in misery, stop being sad and be awesome instead.
Cover image via: Citrus Talent