A marriage can teach you a lot, here are my lessons
My two-year anniversary is coming up in a few days and I cannot believe how much I have changed and matured over the past two years. I knew getting married young was going to be tough, but I always thought I was already as mature as people could get, well oh boy was I wrong. Sometimes I don’t recognize the person in the mirror and I have yet to figure out whether that is a good thing or bad thing.
No I’m not trying to scare you off from getting married, I would just like to warn you your life could do a complete 180.
1. Whoever said relationships are supposed to be 50/50 was a complete jhoota.
I used to believe this was a fair amount both individuals should put into a relationship, but now I have a different perspective. Putting in 50% and expecting your partner to put in 50% just isn’t realistic. I have realized I have to put in 100% at all times and do the best to my abilities. I have to be the best version of myself and put in everything that I possibly can and my husband needs to do the same to keep a happy relationship.
2. A balance between friends/family/spouse is important to stay sane.
I come from a huge family. I see my siblings on an everyday basis so naturally, we are each other’s best friends. I always thought I didn’t need to hang out with people outside of my family because they are my best friends, but nope you need a change of scenery. It is always nice to get out and be with people you don’t see every day and get to spend time with them also (plus they would love to see you too).
3. People want you to be successful, but they don’t want you to change.
The number of times I have heard the words, “You’ve changed” is close to infinity. I came across an article that talked about how people want you to be the best and to succeed but God forbid you aren’t exactly how you were before baatein toh zarrur sunni paray gi.
4. Ek kaan se baat sunno aur dusray se nikalo.
I’ve heard this said a million times, but I have truly learned to practice it these past two years. I have grown into my own and I have become my own person and a lot of people, especially people from our muashara do not like that so in through one ear and out the other is the best way to go.
5. I am allowed to have a life separate from my husband’s.
Yes, we are married but we are not conjoined twins. If I want to read a book before sleeping and my husband wants to sleep then we can do our own things. Just because we didn’t sleep at the same exact time one night is not the end of the world.
6. Parents don’t, or can’t, always know the best for you.
Yeh baat pehley bhe pata thi lekin shaadi ke baad confirm hogy. I’m not saying they’re always wrong, but you are allowed to think for your own. Your parents are humans too, they can, and sometimes will be, wrong. You don’t always have to follow what your parents say because it may be perfect for them but not necessarily for you.
7. Children are not the end all and be all of marriage.
Shaadi ke bikul baad bacha hona zaruri nahi hai. Lots of people say it’s the biggest blessing in their life, but everyone has a different timeline. What my two years after marriage will not be exactly the same as someone else’s so children immediately after marriage isn’t for everyone.
8. Find other use for every shaadi ka jora.
I didn’t have a huge a wedding and my dresses weren’t exactly over the top price-wise, but seeing them put to no use was really disturbing. Desi culture when it comes to weddings is not my style so I repurposed my dresses and made them into party clothes (I have yet to wear them because who wants to show up in a red dress to someone else’s wedding?).
9. Don’t start the day by nagging.
No matter how annoying your partner is in the morning, try to stay happy and start the day off in a positive way.
10. Remember to say I Love You at least once a day to people who matter to you.
Remind people in your life that you love them because you never know when is the last time you speak to them.
11. If you want something, ask for it.
Unfortunately, humans do not have the ability to read minds yet so when you want something just ask.
12. Expectations set you up for failure.
When you start to put expectations on people, you are literally putting yourself up for failure. When you don’t expect things from people, the act of them doing something for you is so much more special.
13. It doesn’t make you less of a person if you apologize first.
I have found being able to say “sorry” first often resolves issues that may have extended for much longer. Saying sorry and being able t admit your own faults and communicating with the other person about their faults is so much easier to do than letting it linger.
14. It is okay to strive for a career rather than focusing on having children.
If children are meant to be in your life, they will come. Don’t focus your life on something you may not be ready for, strive for whatever makes you happy like a career.
15. You are not a loser for wanting to be a housewife.
With women standing up and asking for equality, the true desires of some people get jumbled up in the mess. It is okay to say you are comfortable with being a housewife if that is what you choose to want to do.
16. Patience is the key.
In any situation, having patience will always make it 100 times easier to deal with. Having sabr needs to be your priority.
17. Don’t make every argument a battle between right and wrong.
Make it a debate, not a battle. Express your thoughts and feelings, don’t impose them on others.
18. Never leave without saying goodbye.
As I have gotten older, I have realized things are not always guaranteed. Make sure you express your love and say a proper goodbye before you leave.
19. Quality > Quantity
The number of times I have picked a fight with my husband about not spending enough time with me should have been enough for him to leave me but the poor guy decided to stay. I have recently figured out a quality conversation before bed is better than five, rushed conversations throughout the day.
20. Age is a number.
Ever since I was young, I remember having goals for when I was older. Now that I am older, I still have yet to complete them. It is never late to get started achieving what you want to. You may not be completely able to complete them now, but you can at least get started.
21. Don’t build a wall so strong and high that someone else can’t break down.
Vulnerability is not easily given up, but when the right person/people come along and prove their worth, it is okay to believe them and allow them to pass through.
22. Not every man is evil.
With past experiences, I was not ready to commit and be with a man for the rest of my life. I was too focused on comparing new guys to old guys in my life and that was not fair. Men are all different and not all of them are made for you. Look for the one that works best with you.
23. Your body is a temple.
I was tired of always hearing, “Koi larka tumse shaadi nahi karay ga tumharay weight ki waja se.” After I got married I thought well jokes on you, I got a guy to marry me. As much as their words stung me then, I have realized I need to take better care of my body. I am too young to have back pain, I am too young to be complaining about my hands falling asleep, I need to take better care of my body for myself.
24. Not everything comes easy, but hard things always pass.
If everything in life was easy, we would all be cruising along and that is just not what life is about. We need to work through some obstacles to build character and personality. We need to face some challenges to become the best versions of ourselves.
Did you think you could learn all of this within two years of marriage?
My Arranged Marriage Began With A LOT Of Struggles, But It Made My Husband And I Fall Deeper In Love
Cover image via: shiamarriages.com