Zubaida aapa‘s totkay are widely followed by thousands of women across Pakistan. They are also widely mocked by thousands of dirty-minded young folks with Whatsapp and lot’s of free time. These totkay do hold a special place in the Pakistani society and the rumors of their success are circulated far and wide so we decided to try them to see if they actually do work or not.

There are many a Facebook pages, websites and platforms all publicizing Zubaida aapa‘s totkay.

If you’ve ever felt unfulfilled, humiliated, scared, traumatized, depressed or suicidal, your agony is about to meet its fateful end.

Right when you thought you had enough of Zubaida aapa’s never-ending reserve of life advice and recipes, the internet brings you her online version.

Yes.

There’s an electronic world of Zubaida aapa out there where no dark-skinned, acne-infested fatso can dare step in.

According to one such website, a totka is a special tip

given by “people who have understanding of your problems and the people who have knowledge give you.”

Sounds a lot like your phupho right? Well, here’s more:

“When the number of tips is more than one, a totka is changed to its plural and that is, totkay.”

Now that you have all the requisite information on what a totka really is, you’d be able to truly appreciate the absolute treasure trove that aapa really is.

Here goes:

Fair Complexion Tip

Not surprisingly, the very first totka in the section promises to whiten you up like a true gori. It shamelessly guarantees  to “naturally bring shine and give fair complexion” as the “common wish of every girl is to have fair complexion.”

Basically, the totka promises to fight your DNA and take out the black-skin gene from that godammned helix once and for all.

Totka for spending Eid

And no, your dumb self doesn’t know how to spend Eid the right way. (By spend they mean celebrate). Zubaida aapa was kind enough to narrow down the list of Eid do’s and don’ts to the following:

• Do NOT wear dresses that are too bright in colour.
• Do NOT add the shiny touch in your outfit.
• Keep things simple but elegant.
• You should NOT wear bright makeup.
• The colour of your shoes MUST match your clothes.
• If it does not match, you MUST try to wear dark colour shoes.
• The nail polish, the bangles, the jewellery, etc. KEEP THEM DULL.
• Try to spend lesser time on makeover.
• Try to spend more time celebrating Eid than preparing to celebrate.
  (sic)

And you thought you had free will?

Totka for attractive eyes

Probably the inspiration for Tahir Shah’s debut single, this post tells you all the tips and tricks you’ll ever need to get them essential, sensational eyes..my eyes and your eyes. (it’s so hard not to get carried away..)

Did you know dull eyes or eyes with dark circles around them give off a bad impact and to nullify that you’d be needing some good ol’ potatoes?

So Zubaida aapa wanted us to take a potato, cut it in slices and put it on our face. However, the agony of unattractive eyes got the better of us and we ended up putting the potato slices in a deep fryer and eating our miseries away.

And now for the grand finale. The all-encompassing, MOTHER OF ALL TOTKAS:

The totka for beauty

Ever heard of beauty being skin deep? Yeah that’s BS.

According to Zubaida aapa’s totka for beauty, 2 tablespoons of yogurt and 3 drops of vinegar is all you need to rid yourself of all the troubles in your life.

We applied the paste to our face for a week and here’s the result:

Have you tried any of Zubaida aapa‘s totkay? Share your results with us.

P.S: This was all in humor. We actually love Zubaida aapa. Pliz no rawla, thank you.

Cover image via: masala.tv