Anyone who’s been married for a minimum total of 5 minutes will confirm that they’ve been mercilessly subjected to the terrifying question of “Khushkhabri kab milnay wali hai?“. As soon as you’re a legally recognized couple, you’ll be sucked into a vortex created purely for unsuspecting newly-weds by an Aunty (and by that I don’t mean just the female ones, an aunty is gender-neutral). It’s an absolute delight to be at a dinner gathering and be stuffing your face with a sexy plate of biryani and be reminded that you are no longer allowed to experience joy in social settings and it’s mandatory for someone to casually vomit all over your brain with that question.
So here’s a rundown of ten answers for the girls to potentially hand out and get their revenge. If they’re ruining your biryani, you make sure you fuck with their mutton paaye.
1. “My uterus has malfunctioned. I can only give birth to bad jokes and slutty dance moves now.”
Say this and immediately break out into an electrifying performance of some pelvic-thrusting dandiya. If the Aunty’s mouth starts to hang open, throw a chicken kebab in there.
2. “With my husband’s gene pool, I can’t take the risk. So I’m holding out for a one-night stand with Fawad Khan.”
Sigh deeply and like a piece of your soul belongs to FK.
3. “I don’t want to get fat. LULZ.”
Say this and hear the sound of judgment shatter glass and end world wars.
4. “Right after I can kick my drug addiction and won’t need to sell my baby for crack. The struggle is real.”
Dilate your pupils and snort like you just used your nose for something immoral.
5. “I’m currently saving up for a butt implant. Right after that.”
Shake your head like life is so tough and how much you’ve been through waiting for your ass to grow.
6. “We’re terrible people. I’m a professional extortionist, my husband’s an undercover drug lord, our kid will definitely be a serial killer. So really, I’m saving the world right now.”
Immediately turn self-important and start busting out random moves like you’re a superhero.
7. “When they invent babies that can feed themselves and do basic house chores like folding the laundry and doing the dishes.”
Then strain your back like you just did a round of pocha.
8. “My maternal instinct now solely operates for biryani. It would be unfair to the biryani if I had a child.”
Sniff like you’re getting emotional. Then urgently call Student Biryani to calm yourself down.
9. “Rabies before babies.”
Say it and start laughing like a maniac while clapping furiously.
10. “His thing doesn’t work.”
Say it to someone who’s directly related to your husband by blood and have a samosa while you watch them act like they just contracted hepatitis.
By some cruel law of nature, women will somehow deal with this question disproportionately more than men.Whatever your reason is: Not interested in children, not ready yet, infertility or that you got married two minutes ago – no one should have to answer something so personal to anyone.
Stay strong, ladies.
Cover Image via: Dawn