Dear first love,
It has been almost two years since I closed the chapter in my life that included you. A lot has changed since then. I fell in love again, so deep in love that I married him. My niece turns two in a few months, my younger sister started a family of her own as well, but what didn’t take place was the closure I needed so desperately.
I may have closed the chapter, but I feel as though I need to burn it out of my book completely to stop feeling the pain.
It pains me to even think about the years I spent running after you. Driving up to your city the second you gave me the green signal to come there, quietly listening to you talk about your nephew while admiring the way your eyes lit up at the thought of him, helping you understand your mom’s illness had nothing to do with the distance between the two of you and offering to tie the knot in a simple ceremony while promising to stay by your side through thick and thin.
But that wasn’t enough for you. You wanted the girl you couldn’t get. You wanted to play games. You wanted to be able to chase the idea of love.
We were the same person. We were inseparable. We were brought together time and time again.
Whether it was fate that brought us together or the love we had for each other, we had a connection that I had not felt elsewhere. Maybe you felt that way too, but never once did you express that to me.
You broke me then and I still feel broken.
I get self-conscious in my relationship to this day and it breaks my heart to see how much pain I inflict my husband by doing this. His wife becomes this feeble, sad human being and he does not know why. He takes the blame and makes it his duty to fix me, but little does he know I was broken long before he met me.
I sit on the floor in my bathroom thinking of our times together and the tears start to fall all on their own.
I don’t cry because I miss you or the fact that you did not accept me, but because of the fact that I allowed you to string me along for as long as you did. The thought of us brings about feelings of sadness and loneliness. I was never happy with you, I was always happy for you.
You never allowed me to be the strong woman I deserved to be. You tugged at my heartstrings every time you felt your masculinity was not enough to control me. I was never truly myself around you in case your ego got hurt. I wish you were nicer to me and gave me the respect I gave you.
Our love story was always one-sided and deep down I knew I did not want to be part of that story.
So I let go. I let go of the idea of being with you and saying, “I do” to you. The last text I sent you was my way of breaking up, even though we were never even officially together. You went behind my back every time and every time I forgave you and took you back. You called me so many names, you told me you wanted to be with someone with more character than me. That broke me.
To this day I have not understood why you could so easily let go of the girl that loved you even after the shit you put her through.
But being with someone that makes me happy and being in his arms that feel like home has helped me realize: maybe that wasn’t love that I felt. Maybe it was the idea that we were such good friends that we should be together. I was comfortable with you, I was at ease in your presence. Most of all, we were peas from the same pod.
What I want you to know now is…
I am finally happy. I am with someone who treats me like a queen. And no, I am not saying this to rub it in your face. I am saying this to help you understand your actions and words can truly affect a person. You may not have realized how deep you were stabbing into my heart, but now you should.
I hope the next girl in your life does not have to go through what you put me through.
Crying one’s self to sleep, smiling through the torture, and living through a nightmare is not easy on anybody’s heart and soul, so take it easy on her. She might be more fragile than I was. Even if she isn’t, it’s not something she deserves. It’s not something anyone deserves. I hope you get that.
Your healing, former lover.
Cover image via rimabrindamour.com