To talk about something that means so much to you, something that is so hurtful, that too, on a public forum takes balls. Mesha Hassan Khan, an upcoming beauty blogger from Karachi, came out recently and spoke about her miscarriage in a society where these things are usually kept under covers. Unfortunately, many people turn miscarriage into something you’re meant to be ashamed of because it indirectly means you messed up somewhere along the way.
THAT IS NOT TRUE.
And that’s exactly what Mesha talks about; how miscarriage may very well happen for reasons UNRELATED to your actions or behavior and it involves so much confusion yet hope that a miracle could happen. Hence the purpose of this video she makes, is all about getting rid of the stigma attached to miscarriage and what NOT to say to someone who’s experienced it.
So here’s a quick summary of Mesha’s video about things to not do or say when you’re talking to someone who’s just had a miscarriage.
Be sensitive to their experience
Don’t preach and never tell them things like they should be careful next time or they should take care of themselves when they’re pregnant because that only makes them start blaming themselves.
Talk less, listen more
Mesha talks about what helped her most, and that was to have people like her mother, father, mother-in-law just listen to her speak her heart out as opposed to them talking to her about it. Talk to anyone at all, whoever you’re comfortable with and get things out of your system – just talk it out.
If you’re a gynecologist, please don’t abruptly tell your patient “this is bound to end in a miscarriage”
You need to understand that these words can literally kill a mother-to-be on the inside. It makes her desperately ask herself “is this really ending?” and keep questioning perhaps she got the dates wrong? Or the calculations weren’t done right? In Mesha’s case, her gynecologist was so to the point and crude with her explanations. When someone is going through a miscarriage, EXPLAIN step by step what is going on with her body, what could have happened, what does she need to do now, and in the future.
NEVER say to her “ye practical cheez thi, aur achay ke liye hua“.
Maybe ‘achay ke liye hua’ hoga but don’t say that to someone who just lost a child. Going back to the the earlier point: BE SENSITIVE. These are never the right things to say and especially not the right time to say that kind of shit.
Give her SPACE.
Mesha speaks about her experience and says that all she needed was a day to be left alone and just cry for one entire day. Cry her heart out without any disruptions and she was lucky to have a family that was supportive enough to give her that space. With crying, she was able to let her emotions and her frustration out completely and after that promised herself she doesn’t need to cry anymore and that this is it- it’s time to face life again.
For Mesha, this was a very painful experience, as it is for many other women out there. She felt that this miscarriage was like a scar on her; “aap test ke liye prepare kartay hain aur phir fail ho jatay hain“. Something which one may very much naturally feel, but Mesha also goes on to say that as a universal way to heal, you need to be patient and be positive and you will come out stronger.
Mesha spoke about her feelings and put her experience out there because what helped her most while recovering through this loss were YouTube videos talking about the same thing. She in no way is telling anyone how to conduct themselves after a miscarriage, but is merely being a support by sharing her experience so that other women who are experiencing the same or have experienced a miscarriage can feel better by being able to relate with someone in one way or the other.
To understand the complications she went through and hear it from Mesha herself, you can access her video about her miscarriage here: