Dear Best Friend,
It seems like I lost you when I moved.
It was something I knew would inevitably happen, but the worst part of it all was physically feeling a heavy void that kept swelling.
I lost you in sunsets and sunrises and I lost you when I’d see the moon in all its splendor, yet feel nothing. I lost you in the same stars when there was a time you’d tell me to find myself among them. I wore your favorite jacket every day and it was the closest thing to home I felt because it smelt like you. Your scent faded, and the buttons fell off too. The worst was when I found a gaping hole in the arm one evening as I came home from work. That night I rummaged through my suitcase to find the rest of your things you gave to me to try and feel that peace.
We’d talk on the phone all the time when I first moved, and I found comfort in your voice.
Phone calls gradually became a rarity. As did messages. You said you’d always be there for me, even if there would be days where I couldn’t feel you around me.
It isn’t your fault, I wanted to move back home to try and start a new life, and as much as I wanted you to come along, you couldn’t close up shop and leave just for me.
Your life was there, and as much as you wanted mine to be there too, I couldn’t stay. I always used to think we’d spend our lives together, entwined like never ending vines in this messy thing called life. I wanted my life here, though, so we had to part. I spent every moment with you, and I always used to think we’d be together forever, but what a fallacy to think that everything is constant.
The memories we shared together are what keeps me alive now
I still try and recall how you held my hand, the affection of your voice that felt celestial, and that look in your eyes like you could save me.
As I grew up, and the warmth that you’d exude when I’d fall asleep in your lap when I was younger, and then the hugs I’d smother you with when I got too big for you. You taught me everything about life, loss and love. You kept my head above water when my anxiety was through the roof. You were my person.
The first few months were terrible without you here. Homesickness became a feeling I couldn’t shake off because you were my home and my sanctuary.
Very few people have what we have, and I like to think I hit the jackpot. You are a blessing, my khaala.
You raised me as your own, and you aren’t just my best friend. You are my mother, my father, my guardian, and the wind that keeps me soaring with the birds. You’re the reason I’m able to breathe so far away from you.
I love you, and I miss you all the time.
Days without you are lonely. You are my everything, and even though your memories are the only treasures I have locked away, I hope we coruscate together once more in the future. I’m sorry I’m not as expressive as I want to be. But I do love you. And I miss you.
Cover image via: theswaddle.com