The Islamabad syndrome is an untreated and unrecognized affliction that has many in its grip. I propose an Islamabad awareness day – too many of us suffer in silence. Too many of my female compatriots are withering away in this tree-lined labyrinth of monotony. If you are single and considering moving here or are one of the concerned group who struggle to understand us, lend me your ear. Behold, here is the landscape of the available male in Islamabad, otherwise titled: Why we are still single.
1. The nerd.
This is NOT your hip nerd. He does not read comic books, doesn’t play vintage video games and does not, repeat does NOT listen to Radiohead. His hair is parted down the middle, he is passionate about his work, always says yes to his parents, is the biggest prude you will ever meet and also the sweetest young man. He thinks you are an inexplicable, mildly terrifying she devil. You think he is the most insufferable bore.
2. The zamindar (in training).
To be found in Blue Area. Bred on desi ghee from his gaon by his doting mother, this guy believes in hair gel. Never seen without a 4 o’clock shadow, he thinks Tiesto is still cool (Note: Tiesto was NEVER cool), posts pictures with rifles on his facebook and his bach pad probs has lotsa cheetah print. He drives a fast car-which in this case is a turn-off. His friends creep you out. He likes his JD. He likes girls in jeans. He will marry his cousin.
3. The juice-head gorilla.
Islamabad’s very own guido. Can be found at any gym that smells like sweat and balls, or consuming copious amounts of tikka kababs in F-10. You have never really gotten to know him because the veins in his biceps zap you into lurid day dreams of bulbous alien amoeba consuming your flesh from the inside out.
4. The uncle.
This guy knows everything about politics, and quotes kishwar naheed. You feel uncomfortably illiterate around him and are pretty sure he could be best friends with your dad, You keep forgetting he is only 32.
5. The wee babe
He has a hot bod without trying, comfortable with his masculinity and not threatened by our feminism, he talks to everyone, flirts charmingly and incessantly with you (and everyone else), drummer for a local band, mountain bikes on weekends and takes Sundance premieres just as seriously as you do. He is 22.
6. The party boy.
Cutting lines with daddy’s credit card in Bani gala.
7. The hipster.
He wears plaid and has a faux-hawk. He looks disapprovingly at everything you wear. He works at an NGO. To be found at Khaas and lounging at Kuch Khaas.
Verdict: Don’t talk to him unless you are a gora.
8. The pothead
He thinks it’s still 1998 (he still looks it too, yum) and he’s taking long drives around isloo with his bong on the passenger seat.
Verdict: On your speed dial.
9. The family biznas.
He works for daddy (yes but what do you DO???). Hes rolling in moolah. He travels a lot (check out the stamps in my passport yo). He is God’s gift to women (can’t you tell). He doesn’t read . His favourite TV show is “Entourage.” He thinks feminist is synonymous with lesbian.
Verdict: You are not his trophy wife.
10. The Rishta
He has a decent education and a good job beta. He is from a good family. All his brothers and sisters are well settled. Listen you will only have to live with the in-laws for a few years then you can move out, just as soon as you develop an understanding. He doesn’t mind if you work too, just as long as you come home in time to make him tea. After all what is the point of getting married if your wife isn’t there to make you tea. Oh look his profile says his favourite book is The Alchemist.
Girl, you are cool to the core, and laid back to the max. You let life take you where it may, you dont care about society’s expectations of beauty or success and your greatest strength is your ability to redefine yourself everyday. Your momma raised you good and proper but honey sometimes you gotta colour outside the lines. You know what’s up. You read Alice Munroe. You love Nina Simone and Angel Haze and one day you are gonna lose those 10 pounds, but damn girl you still fine! You complain a lot. You are overly attached to your pet cat.