Editor’s Note: The views expressed here are those of the author’s and don’t necessarily represent or reflect the views of MangoBaaz.
Hey! I don’t know where you are today. I don’t know how you are today. And it’s funny how we thought we’d be together by this time, but things work out in different, mysterious ways, right?
We fell in love with each other, I was a man and you were aware of my insecurities.
You were aware of what I’d go through as a human, yet it was so easy for you tell me to ‘man up’ and stop being a ‘sissy’. So, I thought to myself maybe this isn’t the way we were supposed to act. Men were supposed to be tough, right? I blamed myself for every time you didn’t feel special enough. I blamed myself for not making you happy. You were normal with others, but were cold with me. I never told you all of this, why? Because, I wanted to make you happy. I never stood up for myself, because I thought you understood me and by not fighting, we’d make everything all right.
When I finally started to react to your jabs, I changed into this monster I didn’t ever want to become
But when we finally fought. When I finally started taking a stand for myself, I changed into this monster in your life your friends knew about. I changed into the worst human you knew, or your friends knew. I was the worst person you had ever met. I would put restrictions on you, I would be over-possessive just so I could show you how you are still ‘mine’ despite your repeated insults to my ‘manliness’.
It made me even more guilty. It made me even more insecure. You promised to love me. And here you were telling everyone what kind of monster I was. Then I came to know about that special someone in your life, and I was tossed aside like the nothingness of the night. You told everyone how bad I was. You isolated me from everyone.
For all the times we were physical, I regret it.
I thought we’d end up together. I regret every single moment we touched each other, or were with each other. I want to scratch your existence out of me.
But honestly, I have nothing against you. I want to thank you for what you did. For making me realize that the next time I love, I love someone who is worth it. Thank you for making me realize who my real friends are, who loved me and were there for me for the person I am. For what good and bad qualities I had. I’m very happy now. I have that special person in my life now. I have those friends who know me inside out and value me in my life now. And I couldn’t thank you enough.
Thank you, for making me realize my worth.
Editor’s note: Abuse doesn’t just work in one direction, it also doesn’t just take the physical form. Relationships are two way streets, no one should be taken for granted. There is no excuse for physical or emotional abuse, staying quiet makes it worse. There are people who will listen. It will be okay. It “does” get better.
Cover image via: koreabizwire.com