Disclaimer: This might not be a go-to piece if you are suffering from anxiety and depression. I am still in the process of figuring everything out for myself and I don’t have a lot of motivation to give to anyone. Let’s just call it a feeble attempt at sharing about this certain mental illness in Pakistan and how it is as real as it can get, for me at least.

It is 3 am and I suddenly wake up. My heartbeat is erratic and I cannot seem to breathe properly. I just want to shut my eyes and go back to sleep but I am physically unable to do so. I have no other option but to curl up in my bed and cry. I cry for hours and when I finally feel lighter I find that the sun is up and it’s time to get up and get back to my life responsibilities.

The anxiety attacks happen every other day for a while now but I still have not been able to get used to them. I have almost stopped telling my friends or those close to me about what happens every night. I can clearly see the look of oh-I’ve-heard-this-story-so-many-times-please-stop look on their faces. Or maybe, my anxiety forces me to see my friends through a lens of skepticism . Truth be told, I don’t know myself. I just feel trapped inside my own body and that’s probably one of the most painful moments in the world.

My anxiety makes me feel like there are a gazillion knots in my head and I don’t know how to untie them. 

My struggle with anxiety might not be a very long one but it has been tough. Everyday is a struggle to stay and act normal. A struggle to not attract attention towards what I feel, a constant struggle to try and not let it be visible. Cherry on top, I also harbor an immense fear of missed opportunity, alongside battling my depression.

I am at that point in my life where I need to be moving on with my life after graduation and build myself a career and a life but I just always seem to be thinking about what my friends would be doing right now and how life would be if I was still in college? Have they already replaced me? And then there are ones about my own self like, why am I so ordinary? Why am I someone who is there but still isn’t there? Why is it that people who claim to love me still do things that bother me?

Some call it self-pity while others call its a by-product of my anxiety. All I know is that I don’t want to feel this way. 

I wish I could just get a brochure printed and tell everyone that there are a certain things that you don’t say to people suffering from anxiety, or depression.

First of which would be that it’s not under our control if we’re suffering from anxiety or depression, or any other mental illness, for that matter.

When it happens, it just happens. We can’t control it.

Most of all, it’s never an attention seeking stunt. God knows, what we wouldn’t do to divert attention from ourselves in those moments. What we wouldn’t do to not let people see us as something we are generally not.

Please don’t tell us that we are too young to be having anxiety and that we should be enjoying our life instead of worrying about things.

It’s not like that. It’s not like we don’t realize that our life is slipping by and that we need to enjoy it. It’s just that we can’t help but feel the way we do.

There are certain triggers sometimes, yes but sometimes it just happens. Please don’t coerce someone with anxiety, or depression, into telling a reason, that just aggravates the situation. Don’t take their anxiety attacks personally and if you’ve nothing good to say, don’t say anything.

A nice, long hug could be helpful and saying that you’re there for your friend or loved one, helps a lot. If you’re not comfortable around us, don’t lie to us and make excuses. We can tell when you are lying and that just makes us feel even shittier. Be honest that our depression makes you uncomfortable so we can know you’re not someone we should be around in our state.

So, this is what I have to say about what I’ve been going through. Hopefully this will help us all be a little sensitive towards other people’s struggles and not undermine them by saying ‘logon kay sath kia kia hojata hai,na shukri mat bano‘ or similar stuff.

And to everyone who may be going through something similar, you should know that you’re not alone. There are others like you. It is not the end of the world, it will get better for you, even if doesn’t feel like it, now. Stay strong.

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Cover Image Via: Huffington Post Canada