We’ve been fairly vocal about all that is wrong with the matchmaking “industry” in Pakistan. We’ve earlier talked about how the rishta process needs an face-lift and all the things dulhans-to-be hear when they’re finally tying the knot. There was also talk of a woman who put up a hilarious but introspective rishta ad to help us understand how taxing the whole process is, especially for women. Having said that, one of the most defying customs is the age-factor and suffice to say, it’s indeed a struggle to be almost touching or over 30 and single in Pakistan.
While it’s easy to imagine or talk about these things, it’s more real and hurtful when you or someone you know is on the receiving end of such injustices. Which is why this Pakistani woman’s rant hits the nail at just the right spot.
Faiza Yousaf is a technologist by profession and runs a business consultation company. She also dedicates a few hours every week as a visiting professor and contributes to a community for local women In technology.
Earlier this week, Faiza wrote a heart-breaking story about a one very non-jovial birthday call she received as she turned 30:
I got a birthday call from a friend, she was my senior at university from another department. She's a gem of a person, very kind and smart.
— Faiza Yousuf (@FaizaYousuf) January 25, 2017
I didn't think it was a serious question, so I said. Screw people. They can't see anyone happy. I'm kicking ass right now.
— Faiza Yousuf (@FaizaYousuf) January 25, 2017
Unlike Faiza, however, her friend did not have such a high resolve or a family that serves to be her support system:
She said, I don't know what to do. I'm 33 & I can't face myself. My parents were patient initially but now they just want me to go away.
— Faiza Yousuf (@FaizaYousuf) January 25, 2017
She told me that every potential rishta comes with a list of stuff they need and they are only interested in how much she earns, etc.
— Faiza Yousuf (@FaizaYousuf) January 25, 2017
“Her whole personality has been shattered just because she couldn’t find someone human to marry. I had no words to comfort her, none at all.”
I didn't know what to say. I knew her to be one of the coolest seniors I had. She was kind, ambitious, super confident and really smart.
— Faiza Yousuf (@FaizaYousuf) January 25, 2017
“She’s doing great at work, got double promotion in ’16, went to Japan, takes care of her parents, but nothing matters because fuck logic! I told her to hang in there, that this too shall pass, that things will turn out okay but after that, I ran out of cliches. Oh God, I can’t. I’m not someone who gets emotional easily but I’m upset beyond words. I looked up to her for years but they’ve managed to kill her spirit.”
Going more in-depth about the twisted and ageist agendas in the sub-continent, Faiza writes, “And these monsters prey on people, find their faults or perceived shortcomings and hurt them to feel good about themselves. It’s rotten.”
Speaking to MangoBaaz about this dark reality, Faiza expressed disbelief on how common these sentiments truly were, “I never thought that I would get so many responses from women I know and look up to and even from women I don’t know who told me that they have or/are experiencing something similar, that their lives are a constant struggle between what they want to do and what people tell them to do. It broke my heart even more that we have fallen to such depths of indecency and cruelty that hurting people doesn’t look like a thing to us.”
They don't value her unless she is associated with a man. They think it's her fault, that nobody wants her, they treat her like dirt.
— Faiza Yousuf (@FaizaYousuf) January 25, 2017
“This is not the first time that I have met/spoken to someone who has talked to me about the ill treatment single women receive from our society. Somehow, marriage looks like the only goal in life to our people and don’t get me wrong, I am not against marriage. But I am really against the practices that we follow, the trade deal we anticipate when we plan to marry, the pressure we put on people if we don’t see them conforming to our ideas on how they should spend their lives, the invasion of privacy and the overall cruelty.”
These are the things that we need to change because we are shattering people with our words and actions.
“When you try to challenge them, they come up with religious and cultural arguments, which I don’t think make any sense. Religion gives us the freedom to choose our spouses and to decide for ourselves, religion stops us from being mean and condescending to people and to invade anyone’s privacy, religion never told us to evaluate a person (either man or woman) only on the basis of how much money they have/make and religion never gave permission to anyone to push people into forced marriages.”
As an end note, Faiza urges people to be more mindful of others’ feelings and ultimately question the longstanding notions and ideals of marriage.
“I don’t think this problem has an ultimate solution, but we all can try to identify and change the deep rooted misogyny in our society. I think open dialogues help and that was the reason I started talking about it. I do wish and hope that things change for all of us and we all learn to be kind and compassionate.”
Cover image via: bigfatasianwedding.com