Days with him oscillate. On some, his presence will feel like a summer daze. It’s on these days where he’ll feel like home. It’s a perplexing entanglement of feelings that knot up her stomach around him. He’s woven himself into her soul, blossoming flowers in all her brokenness. He’s become her best friend and her person. It has become both terrifying and exhilarating to be around him.
Bad days are a rarity as they both unravel each other. Talks about his ex would pop up momentarily now and then, but they would be nothing more than fleeting words – she’d never dwell on it.
A month passes by, and she began to notice the difference in days, and she’ll suddenly feel his unfamiliar absence on these days.
He’ll admit he misses his ex, and daunting stories about his toxic relationship begin to surface as she is told more about how destructive it all was. She wonders how he could miss her, especially when they both feel like they’re forged from the same stardust. They’re perfect for each other, and she’s so good to him – but it isn’t about that.
It doesn’t make a difference if it feels like both their souls have been stitched together from the same fabric, or if she’s certain she’s made for him and he is meant for her.
She was his first love, and despite everything that happened, she can’t fill that void. She isn’t home for him and despite him wanting to call her it, he cannot.
He isn’t giving the relationship his all, and it’s on days like these when she feels like she’s harboring the relationship on her back for both of them, slowly anchoring her down.
The days he misses her, it’s like he’s a stranger. It becomes an exhausting whirlwind where he’s constantly leaving and returning, leaving and returning, leaving and returning.
It’s tantamount to meeting him for the very first time and growing their roots together all over again – rediscovering each other on the good days, only to lose him all at once on the bad days. Each time he drifts away, moments of clarity become so rare and the horizon that was so irrefutable fades into a blur. It’s the quietness she fears on the bad days; she’s giving it her all and it still isn’t enough.
He misses the way his ex made him feel, and she can’t fix that.
He tells her he hopes he can love her with all his heart one day, and wants to make this work.
It’s on these days she begins to notice the furrows of his eyes that seep in a hollow. It’s funny because she’s never noticed before. The fiery zest in the same eyes that felt so familiar was just fleeting and a facade. It’s on these days she crawls into her shell. She’s happy he feels comfortable enough to tell her he misses the ex, but it does get to her. She doesn’t know how to act around him.
She buries her thoughts because she doesn’t think he’ll care enough, and every bone in her body feels out of place.
She doesn’t let him know how much this revelation begins to destroy her, digging at what feels like an abyss within her. She smiles, trusts his fleeting instincts that everything will be alright and both carry on, hoping that one day, just maybe something good will happen. Maybe one day he’ll love her.
And you know that if the timing was different, that if she’d met him in a different place, then everything would have been perfect. But since when is life nothing but an unfortunate wearisome montage of twisting imperfections. She craves to be enough for him, because she knows how good they both are together. He’s an unfathomable cold now with her, because his warmth’s been taken away.
So what does she do? How does she love someone who still isn’t over his ex?
She could let him go, because waiting for him to finally love her is like she’s waiting in perpetual darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel.
Or she could gather all the pieces of his heart, dust off the darkness, and just hope that with time, everything will be fixed. Because this person, this particular human means more to her than anyone has ever before. He makes her feel like she finally belongs somewhere; somewhere she has a home, when all she’s known is wilderness.
Cover image via: Kamila_P/ shutterstock.com