As a nation, even if we fail to agree on whether Nargis Fakhri’s bottom looked tasteful sandwiched between news headlines or not, we can’t help but agree that the current crop of Pakistani Dramas on-air are shit.

To make things simpler, let’s just say my family Whatsapp group has a better storyline.

Mindlessly still glued to the idea of family entertainment, my mother and I do watch most of these dramas together on and off. After getting sick to the core of watching hormonally challenged men remarrying like their life depended on it, we concluded that nearly 5 out of 7 dramas running on our top channels today revolve around a husband bringing in a second wife into the equation for the most bizarre reasons known to mankind. And the remaining few have a plot worse than that. So we decided to give you a rundown of the most ridiculous ones we discovered.

1. Tumhare Siwa (Hum TV)

Tumhare Siwa is a story of two couples who also happen to be super close family friends. For the sake of simplifying matters, let’s give them names they truly deserve: Man A (Dumb****) is married to Woman A (Masoom Biwi) and Man B (Pathetic Husband) is married to Woman B (Stupidsh*t).

Long story short, Masoom Biwi starts having headaches and in the Pakistani drama industry, chronic headaches do not signal migraines but brain tumours. The former is only for ordinary people like us just so you know. After she’s diagnosed, the couple gets the FANTASTIC idea of divorcing each other and getting Masoom Biwi married on paper to Man B, Pathetic Husband in order to leech off his insurance money. Soon after Dumbf**** died in a car crash and now Pathetic Husband is left to tend to 2 wives. The contract marriage translates into eternal love before you know it and the threesome decide to live happily ever after.

2. Maan 

Maan is a story of a perfectly happy and doting couple with two daughters, one of whom has an acute heart condition. The surgery to treat her heart costs a few lacs and the small family with one breadwinner cannot afford it. The wife repeatedly offers to work and hence contribute in saving up for the treatment but the husband isn’t fond of her getting employed and earning so he comes up with the BRILLIANT idea of marrying his boss who happens to be his ex-fiancee and whom the entire household hates for her manipulative ways. Fast forward a couple of episodes, the sick daughter is dead and the second wife is pushing the husband to go honeymooning in Malaysia.

3. Sangat

The drama Sangat is a classic example of sensationalizing rape. Instead of moulding the drama around this grim issue, the director has made sure to run the rape scene in graphic detail repeatedly with each detail focused on in slow-mo. The result of the rape is an infant with Thalassemia. The mother’s husband refuses to own the baby after finding out she’s not her biological child and the wife leaves to live at her mother’s place where the rapist is also finding refuge. Eventually, the protagonist, Ayesha (Saba Qamar) decides to give her baby away to the rapist and they exchange an emotional hug right before she’s ready to part ways with her daughter. *Slow Clap* Because all rapists deserve a hug.

4. Gul-e-Rana

I don’t quite have an issue with the drama’s storyline, it’s mundane like the rest of them all. However in the last episode of the drama, I witnessed a scene that served as the sole motivation to write this entire piece on the scale of grandiose sh*t our TV producers are coming up with these days.

So the scene begins with the protagonist’s psychotic husband trying to force himself on a woman who’s come over to stay the night at the couple’s place as she knows the guy as a friend. As the wife walks in on her husband, the victim runs to the wife to save herself.

Now you’d expect the wife to console the poor victim who almost got raped by a trustworthy friend. But here’s the plot twist. The wife tells her off by ridiculing her provocative clothing which, according to her, was an open invitation for rape. She’s wearing pyjamas with a T-Shirt.

My job here is done. *wears cape & flies away*