ISIS Commandos Demand Pokémon GO In The Hereafter

By Hamza Ghaznavi | 2 Aug, 2016

Editor’s note: This is a piece of satire and should be taken as such.

Tech-savvy jihadist holding a massive protest in the ISIS camp in Syria demanded for Pokémon characters in the hereafter instead of 70 virgins. With the rise of Pokémon GO app, ISIS commandos have declared their affinity for the game over any other activity on the internet (even porn).


An ISIS top recruiter has endorsed the demand of the commandos


The recruiter, with an I.Q. of a whopping 74, also known as “the boy wonder” of the camp thinks that the demands are actually not that crazy.

“Kids these days are not lured by the idea of virgins in Jannah, they’d much rather catch some silly cartoons so like every other company in the 21st Century, we have also had to evolve and keep up with the Kardashians… I mean, the times.”

He claims most of their users are single and confused horny men looking for a purpose, and now they’re still single and horny but their purpose has evolved.


Interestingly, ISIS isn’t the first institution taken over by the Pokémon GO phenomenon.

Source: Business Insider

Rumor has it, even Pope Francis is considering to convert Vatican into a PokéStop to persuade more young people toward religion.  According to sources, the Catholic community is fighting a tough battle with the young generation whose questions on equality and evolution are too much a drain on Vatican’s resources.

Even Maulana Kali Sherwani, the head chairperson of Islamic council of Ideology, who has planned to shelf the women protection bill for eternity has also hinted on a possibility of including Pokémon GO in their manifesto so kids in madrassas can stay after hours and women protection bill becomes an unnecessary thing.


Even political figures back home, in Pakistan, have joined forces with Pickachu.


Imran Khan whose major support comes from kids 18 and under have already stated that all his dharnas from now will be PokéStops and if elected he’ll convert the Prime Minister house into one as well.

While the craze of Pokémon GO is taking over, it also has it’s share of critics. Donald Trump asked for a background check of all the Pokémon GO characters when he found out all the characters were colored.


Cover Image via: nydailynews

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