Divorce is hard on everyone involved. What is even harder is the aftermath of the entire scenario, which tends to cling on to the involved people for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, I was a part of this ordeal as my parents failed to sustain their marriage. While I spent some of my time whining about it, with age and time I soon realized that not all things which benefit you might make you happy.
So I changed my mindset and began to see the positive out of a situation as bleak as a family falling apart. Here are just a few things I have learned from my ordeal which have aided me in growing as a person.
1. No one is perfect and acceptance in marriage is the prime success factor
Your spouse might not have the same personality quirks or may not like the same movies as you. Heck, you two might not even be able to tolerate each other after a while, but what I learned from my parents’ divorce was the fact that tolerance is mandatory in marriage.
Just like you need to forgo certain negative aspects of your friends in order for the friendship to thrive, the same goes for courtship. You need to understand your partners’ personality and make changes to accommodate them.
2. Don’t cling to a toxic relationship
Changing to sustain a lifelong relationship is great but if your relationship is toxic and causes you pain, end it! Be it with a friend, or a loved one, just end it there and then. Minor personality and mentality clashes are okay and a given but big personality and moral defects are a red flag.
If someone you love hurts you constantly, regardless of the fact that you have stated how it affects you, chances are they are not willing to reciprocate your love.
Living alone or without that specific person in question may seem scary, but causing yourself endless emotional trauma is far worse. Things eventually get better so please, don’t do this to yourself otherwise you’ll eons blaming yourself for the mess.
3. “Log kya kahenge” is detrimental to your happiness
What the society thinks of you does not and will not determine how your life should be, nor will it affect it. If you are unhappy in a marriage, which does not seem to be working out in anyway whatsoever, do not sweat about the society and its norms. None of those people, who you think would point fingers, would come to your rescue while you wither away in an unhappy marriage, so just brush it off your shoulders and put your step down.
All of it eventually gets better, I promise.
4. This one’s especially for the children in a crappy marriage: parents are people too
Besides my parents’ divorce, I witnessed a few other families fall apart, which was equally heartbreaking. I saw kids blaming their parents for putting them in the same shoes as myself, and I couldn’t help but realize that parents make mistakes too.
They are people, forever in the phase of learning. They didn’t come into this world with an in-depth manual on how to run families and sustain relationships. They, JUST LIKE US, learn from trials and errors, which sometimes can bring along life altering turns in our lives.
5. It was nobody’s fault
Stop trying to find who to blame for the divorce! Your parents, or one of them, was not happy in the relationship and hence it ended.
Being apart is better than being in a toxic family which scars you for life. The two parted their ways and have allowed you to have some level of respect for them.
6. Big decisions don’t fix things
I would not get into the details of how pathetic my parents’ relationship was but one of the many lessons I learned from their marital experience is to not go with big decisions which can possibly affect your life, that too in a negative manner.
Don’t skip your education for marriage, don’t have a child until you know and trust your spouse.
All of these things can make you happy in the short run and even help you avoid the bigger problems, but they will bite you back when reality finally settles in. Trust me on this.
7. Empathy is a life-saving skill
“I’m so sorry to hear about that” becomes an obsolete condolence for you. You can’t tell someone who has had a similar, or maybe even a far worse experience, that you are sorry that someone told you about it. Please don’t. With time, you tend to learn that such events need more than just verbal reassurance; they need empathy.
Do not ask people questions about such things, do not talk to them about it unless they decide themselves to. Just love them and accept them, because that’s what they need the most. Do not ask questions about how it has affected their lives.
8. Do not use your parents’ divorce as an excuse
I have seen many people use their parents failed marriage or messy divorce as an excuse for their shitty personalities and it never really made sense. A dude’s a playboy because his father left his mom for someone, so the best resort would be to be like his father. I mean what?
You can’t come out of a bad situation and not learn from it. You need to learn what went wrong in order to help yourself grow as a person. Once I realized this, I stopped using it as an excuse for any of my failures and actually began having a lot of positive things come my way.
9. Marriage is not a fairytale
A marriage will never be like what we see in the movies or in Disney movies.
There will be fights, disagreements, and sometimes people, like my parents, would decide to put an end to the emotional and psychological suffering.
I learned that marriages take a lot of work and even then, they might sometimes fail to survive and prosper. In such situations its okay to accept if you’re at fault, or forgive the other person if it was their mistake, and move on. No one lands on this earth with a written guarantee from God that they will be happily married forever, so it’s okay.
10. Jo bhe hota hai, achay ke liye hota hai.
Of course, I had to endure and compromise a lot due to my fathers’ absence and tbh, bohat ziada emotional trauma bhe tha life main. But in the end, I am grateful for whatever happened. If I had a chance to alter the present day reality of my life? YES. However, it is not like I am constantly loathing about it. I am a strong, independent, and a resilient person due to all the experiences life threw at me post my parents divorce and I a proud of who and where I am today.
11. My parents’ failure will not determine my happiness
The fact that I belong to a broken family does not put a question mark on my personality. Your parents’ divorce will not affect your life until and unless you let it!
It happened, it’s in the past, your future and happiness await you. Life will throw countless curveballs your way and none of it, and I repeat “None of it”, will be because of your parents. You are destined your fair share of happiness and you will receive it.
Divorces are tough. Let those going through them know you’re there for them. Also, a personal advice is to not ask too many questions about someone’s dysfunctional family.
Cover image via: mdharris111 / Pinterest