December 2015 began with a very distinct hint of melancholy, for me. I was about to graduate,  I had no idea what awaited me, I felt inadequate, exhausted and unsatisfied with the way I was living my life.  Nothing really made sense, I needed an escape but I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was broke so couldn’t really afford an elaborate vacation. Winter break was on its way and I just knew I HAD to go somewhere, but alone.

A friend of mine convinced me to accompany him to a trip to the south, across Punjab and Sindh. The trip was a 13 day journey into Pakistan’s spiritual and cultural heartland, and for each individual, a pilgrimage into their own self. I was still unsure but the trip was heavily subsidized (13 days and 17 cities in Rs. 15,000) so I couldn’t really say no, given my interest in wanting to go somewhere.

It all began on January 5th, 2016 and from there on, life was never the same. 

Decorated with lines and lines of flowers and colorful lariyaan, the complex housing Data Darbar was our first stop. I had never really been to a shrine before so I was not aware of the shrine protocol. I soon realized, there wasn’t any, to begin with. Everybody was doing what they wanted to. Some of the devotees were sleeping on the shrine floor, some were chanting a kalaam in unison which I didn’t really understand while others just stood near Data Sahib‘s grave and prayed.

It was all so surreal, so incredibly surreal, that I just sat down on the ground and closed my eyes and felt an indescribable calm wash over me. I knew right then that this trip was going to be an incredible journey of exploration, for me.

From there on, for the next 13 days, we visited countless shrines, churches, temples, mandirs and each of them, just so conveniently, unraveled new things about myself, about the people around me and the world in general.

Two days after visiting Data sahib I spent my entire time in deciphering what the shrine culture actually meant to the pure devotees while we visited the shrines in Kasoor, Pakpattan, Multan and Uch Sharif. Turns out there are thousands of homeless people who get their regular meals from these shrines, there are others who come visit the shrines just to get some peace while there are still others who believe in the divine healing powers of the Sufis.

One thing that prevails amidst all of this is the intense faith each of the visitors harbors – a belief that they have an anchor to fall back on and a place to go to, for peace.

By the time we reached Sehwan Sharif, I had pretty much assimilated myself in the khanabadoshi (nomadic) life. I stopped wearing makeup and it just felt so right. We entered the shrine before maghrib and witnessed the acclaimed dhamaal. We all scattered, once inside, and I just went to sit beside a folk group that was getting itself prepared for the recitation of the kalaam that was to follow the dhamaal.

In that moment, I looked around myself and realized that throughout the 23 years of my life, I was so occupied by the trivialities of life that  I never bothered to look at the broader picture.

Before this, I never tried connecting to my inner self and I honestly didn’t even know anything about myself and those around me, expect whatever I have been told by the books and people in my life.

Here, despite their downtrodden circumstances, the devotees were doing what they believed in. They were praying, chanting kalaam, and dancing their way to try and connect with something more meaningful in their life.

Seeing that devotion, I became so overwhelmed with emotions that I started crying and I couldn’t stop until it was time to go.

For the rest of my journey, I would separate myself from the rest of the group and would go discover things in shrines on my own. I would sit and observe people. I would sit and think about how I was missing out on life by giving in to shallowness. I would think about how I had judged people just because their lifestyles were different from mine and how I had confined myself to the little world I had created for myself.

It wasn’t easy confronting myself and it still isn’t but at least now, after my experience, I am trying.

Cover Image: AFP Photo / Arif Ali