Don’t you just hate it when you’re watching an episode of WWE Monday Night Raw and your dad abruptly puts on the news to get the latest on national politics all the while lecturing you on how wrestling is ‘fake’, vulgar, relies too much on cheap theatrics or why is it not normal for a 25 year old to still parade around the house with a wwe championship replica belt and claim to be the reigning world champion. If anything both wrestling and the current Pakistani political landscape share the same dynamics. For starters much like how every WWE superstar comes out to a catchy entrance music; political parties here also have their very own theme songs that have the ability to mesmerize the crowd (I once donated my car to Benazir Income support after hearing ‘bicha teer bicha’ on the radio).
With the constant back and forth shift in alliances, same faces running the show for decades and superficial resignations and/or retirements, its hard to tell whether its election time or Wrestlemania week.
To top it off, there is always at least one uncle at every dawat according to whom every major political event since crusades is scripted. **cue X-Files music** Guess what else is scripted………WRESTLING.
So here are some Pakistani politicians and who they would be if they were wrestlers:
1 Asif Ali Zardari/Triple H
If anyone deserves ‘The Game’ moniker in Pakistan, it’s probably Asif Ali Zardari. Love him or hate him the guy has successfully maneuvered himself through strategic alliances to become one of the most powerful men in Pakistan much like how the King of Kings Triple H rose to the top at WWE.
2 Tahir Ul Qadri/The Undertaker
During the last few years of his wrestling career, Mark Calaway alias The Undertaker ( yes that’s his real name and knowing it made me the coolest kid in 5th grade) developed a tendency of being absent all year round and showing up at Wrestle Mania after much hype only to leave again.
Tahir ul Qadri has pulled similar stunts in recent years where he hyped up his arrival for months by giving radical ultimatums only to show up and then leave in the most nonchalant way.
3 Shahi Syed/Paul Bearer
I mean just look at them…its the same person.
4 Qaim Ali Shah/Ric Flair
Both these individuals have had a hard time accepting the fact that they are well past their prime. Qaim Ali Shah has been in the senior citizen category as far as I can remember. Some say he is as old as time itself however he has never let something as trivial as age slow him down. Talks about dedication….you tell em Saeen.
Meanwhile Ric Flair had been swimming in his own blood in cage matches while his buddies from high school were probably dead or playing bingo at retirement homes .
5 Altaf Hussain/Shawn Michaels
Shawn Michaels’ flamboyant style and over the top theatrics allowed him to make a strong emotional connection with his fans. Whether he was entering the arena through zip lines suspended way above the arena or delivering a heartfelt promo on what wrestling meant to him, the crowd was always on its feet.
Altaf Bhai has also managed to captivate his audiences in a similar fashion by breaking all the conventional norms when it came to political speeches. Shawn Michaels may be the ‘show stopper’ but Altaf Hussain stops the whole show with just one phone call. Moreover Shawn Michaels was the first wrestler to sing his own theme song while Altaf Bhai has never backed down from an opportunity to sing his heart out.
6 Sheikh Rahseed/Stone Cold Steve Austin
Last year Sheikh Rasheed proved to everyone that he’s the most bad ass politician of all time when he swiftly made his way to Laal Haveli with the authorities chasing him. The original Pindi boy went on to rub it in the face of his detractors as he celebrated with a cigar in the middle of the road while his fans surrounded him .
This kinda reminds me of when Stone Cold used to celebrate in the ring with four beers after delivering a can of whoop ass to Vince McMahon and his goons.
7 Nawaz Sharif/Kurt Angle
Even if Nawaz Sharif takes Pakistan to Mars at this point, his life will always be overshadowed by the ‘Go Nawaz Go ‘ chants simply because it’s catchy. Similarly Kurt Angle despite winning an Olympic gold medal with a ‘broken freaking neck’ has always had the crowd chant ‘You Suck’ just because it harmonized well with its entrance music.
Both these guys have had hair trouble as well, I wont get into the details of that. Also Kurt Angle has a solid amateur wrestling background while the legendary Gama Pehlwan is an in-law relative of Nawaz Sharif which counts for something, am I right?
8 Bilawal Zardari/Goldust
I don’t think this warrants an explanation.
9 Imran Khan/The Rock
Well technically if we are equating wrestling with politics, Imran Khan is The Rock in reverse since he became an international celebrity first, then pursued politics whereas the latter did it the other way around in regard to wrestling.
However since the Rock did come back to wrestling albeit in a part time capacity, a comparison can still be drawn. Both of them eventually returned to give back to the people whose love and support was responsible for their success. Both heavily rely on catch phrases; The Rock with his “If you smell what The Rock is cooking” routine and Imran Khan with the whole “Tabdeeli aa nahi rahi tabdeeli achukee hai” slogan.
10 Maryam Nawaz/Stephanie McMahon
Just because you’re the boss’ daughter doesn’t mean you start calling the shots and take up precious TV time.
11 Mamnoon Hussain/John Cena
You can’t see either ….**mic drop**
What other politicians do you see having a career in the WWE?