So last night, I had to experience the wrath of little titans that live in my neighborhood who usually run around on an actual sugar rush way past 10 pm, which should be their bed time.
Okay, I’m not an angry curmudgeon against kids playing in the street because it’s kind of a rare thing now. But c’mon insaniyat bhi kisi cheez ka naam hai. Oh the horror but please I want to sleep after a long day at work. Do you see yourself in this scenario, possibly?
Here are some things that my mohallay ke bachay do that I wish I could make them disappear like a magician, for:
1. They play cricket in the street. ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME.
Okay. I know. We all love cricket. I love cricket, too. But dhoop nahi lagti kya, bacho? Also, yes ‘m that kharoos baji who won’t return your ball if it gets into my house because I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE.
2. They’ll find when they’re playing cricket
HONESTLY! What is it about fighting and cricket?
Oye meri bari thi!
Oye out ho gaye ho tum!
Mera bat wapis karo!
And that one kid who’s umpiring the game would be standing in a corner eating candies kyun ke bhai, uss becharay ki kon sunta hai?
3. In fact, they’ll fight any chance they get, as if they’re in the WWE
Chupan chupai, pakran pakrai, cycling or just simply running around; you name the game and they will scream their lungs out because they don’t agree with each others rules and also because screaming is their super power. Each game ends with a fight with their parents dragging them back home.
4. They’ll cry at the top of their lungs
And they’ll do it at the exact moment when you’re either about to study for your exam or when you’re about to lay for a nap.
5. They’ll find every chance to either hurt you or break a window
Whether by playing cricket, or just crashing into it with their own self, these little a**holes will break your window.
6. Those little idiots will burst firecrackers EVERY CHANCE THEY GET
Whether it be Choti Eid, Bari Eid, Shab-e-Mairaj, Shab-e-Barat, chotay bhae ki birthday, baray bhae ki birthday, shaadi, any random occasion or just because their mother let them have pizza at night, they’ll fire crackers and not just once or twice, the show will continue all night long.
7. They will make a huge fuss when the ice cream wala drives through your street
Oh poor ice cream man. The kids scream for ice cream and that poor soul screams internally for his life.
8. And they’ll stand at the most distance possible and then talk to each other in their loudest voice
“Ali! Tum ne bahir ana hai k nahi? ALIIIII!!!”
ARAY BHAI, JUST GO TO HIS HOUSE AND ASK HIM POLITELY. I ASSURE YOU IT’S JUST THAT EASY.
9. Those evil monsters will ring your bell at the exact time when you’re taking a nap
I know it’s funny but please get over this prank. Someone could be really sick or they could have insomnia and just laid down to sleep. Do you really want me to come and beat you up?
10. And the afternoons are their special time to make your life hell
When all the house goes down for a nap, kids remember all the things they need to do in their life. Shusssh. Take naps whenever you can because you’re not gonna get them when you’re old and you’ll miss them.
11. All the yelling during load shedding
“Light chali gai.”
“Light aa gai.”
“Generator chala dou.”
“AAAA, mujhe chot lag gae hai.”
who asked you to run around when it’s dark and you can’t see shit? hain?
12. They’ll run around you when you’re in the car making sure they get hurt so the police can arrest you for attempted murder
This is serious. You think that we will stop the car for you? What if we don’t? OR CAN’T?
13. Gaaliyan. All the gaaliyan
There is always one special kid in your neighborhood who knows all the gaaliyan in the world and feels no shame in saying them out loud while playing without even knowing their meaning, of course.
Seriously. Badtameez kids are the worst. Parents, please teach them some etiquette before someone like me in your neighborhood starts teaching them and you’d not like that.
Cover image via: Momal Productions / Kashaf Foundation