Are you ready to say qabool hai?
Shaadi can be a scary thought for some people, considering ke poori life ka question hai. But there are some things you can do to make things easier for yourself, and your bae. There are some things that the two people getting married should be very clear on. Some questions will be uncomfortable, but asking them at the right time will avoid terribly awkward situations post marriage. This applies to both love and arranged marriages.
How will you know if you and the person you want to get married on differ on some things, like having children, if you don’t ask them? So here’s a list of some basic questions you should be asking your bae before you get married.
Is your to-be bride okay with living with your parents after saying “qabool hai”?
Obviously, this one’s for the guy, but for couples where the guy’s becoming a ghar-damaad, this may apply. Some people aren’t used to joint families AT ALL, and its not fair to put that person in that situation. If she’s totally uncomfortable, maybe make the compromise and look for a new place, or work out a situation where you and your wife can live in a separate set-up within the same house, appeasing everyone.
What’s the family culture of your possible in-laws, like?
Applies to both the guy and girl. Some families are super clingy and attached and others are not so. Its only fair to have this discussion warna pata chala post marriage someone will be going through a culture shock, but this a life long shock.
What are the family’s expectations of me, as a new member who comes to their home after saying “qabool hai“?
What is going to be expected of you, as a new member of the family. After marriage how are you expected to contribute to the family and its being. Are you going to be given ‘Bahu/Damaad’ status or ‘Beti/Beta’ status.
You might think these things are minute, but there is a difference, and like all things in Pakistan, the girls face the brunt. There are differences in how families approach their daughter in laws, the intricacies of which demand an article of its own.
Will I be allowed to work after the “qabool hai” is done or pursue further studies?
Understandably, this question would be something a girl would want to ask. Before entering marriage the guy needs to assure the girl that his family will be okay with her working if she wants to. She also needs to know if she’ll be supported if she feels the need to study further. Marriage cannot and should not mean the end of that girl’s life.
What lifestyle are you used to before your “qabool hai” moment, and how is it different from mine ?
Of course your spending patterns won’t align perfectly, if only life were that simple. There needs to be a common ground when it comes to spending and lifestyle that both people are comfortable with.
How significant is religion in your life?
Yes, you may be marrying into your sect but everyone practices religion a little differently. Some are more strict about it and others are more relaxed. It isn’t necessary that one person shifts into the other person’s way of life, however some clarity never hurt anyone. Marriage is serious and religion plays a huge factor in it.
This particularly becomes an issue when we speak of inter sect marriages. Is anyone expected to change their beliefs? Are they okay with this? Or is there any way they can go on practicing the way they always have?
Do you want kids? How many do you want? And how many years into the marriage?
You need to make a decision and STICK to it. You need to be there for each other especially when you fall prey to the national sport of Pakistan, asking couples “good news kab sunao ge”.
If someone in the relationship doesn’t want kids, you need to have a very serious discussion PRE-SHAADI. Most of the time this is one thing that can break a couple, but its better that have that discussion before you ‘settle down’.
If you’re living separately, how will you guys divide between the two families?
You need to balance not only your own life but also the life and feelings of extended families. How much time will you spend at susraal and your own place. How much time at sister-in laws houses or first cousins etc. Yes it merely seems social but the more time you spend with your spouse’s family the more you’re telling them that you value where they come from.
Do you want to stay in Pakistan, or move abroad after your “qabool hai“moment? If so, when?
At least know where the other stands in this regard. Are you both on the same page or not? Again this seems trivial but forcing someone to leave their entire family set up to move to another country with you is not fair. You are alienating that person. So if its the case that your to be partner isn’t to keen on moving out, work out some compromise or some strategy that could lead to that end goal. You both need to help each other up. Moving isn’t easy and there’s a huge fear associated with that, conquer those fears together, and they won’t be fears anymore.
Again, marriage isn’t easy and nor is it meant to be. Talking stuff out in the beginning helps the journey and builds a strong foundation for the future. Of course this list isn’t a definitive set of questions you need to have a good married life, this is hardly that. This is just a good starting point. Each relationship is different and you need to adjust your questions accordingly. Just don’t be scared of how your partner will respond, you NEED to ask questions before you agree to spending your life together, its imperative that you do.
Cover Photo via: pakium.com