So I recently moved to Lahore, after living my whole life in London. I even wrote about it.

Moving to the motherland for the first time means one thing and one thing only – pretty much everyone with a pulse will more than gladly hurl stereotypical statements your way that JUST AREN’T TRUE.

There’s this idea among the Pakistani awaam that we’re LITERALLY culturally inept when it comes to anything and everything Pakistani.

I’ve jotted down the most popular ones that just keep making their rounds in some form or the other. Shall we start? Let’s start.

‘Do you understand Urdu? It’s like the language they speak in Bollywood, but not really LOL’

‘Have you heard of Coke studio? It’s not about coke don’t worry lol lmfaooo’

Oh really?

‘Are you Muslim?’

‘Have you ever worn a shalwar kameez? Do you know what a shalwar kameez is? It’s not a saree if that’s what you think lolol’

‘So…how many times have you smoked up lol?’

‘You drink too right, I mean obviously you drink, it must be in-saaaannneeeeeee abroad lololooool rofl’

I tell you, the amount of times I’ve been asked this is pretty outstanding.

Yup, living abroad naturally meant I’m a 24/7 high, raging alcoholic.

‘Can you eat spicy food? It’s not like fish and chips lololol…lol’

‘Do you have a boyfriend? I’m sure you do…lol’

‘You know we have a national anthem? It’s a little harder than God Save The Queen hahaha (lol)’

Reaallyyy? Every country’s national anthem DOESN’T start with God Save The Queen?

‘You’re probably a party animal, you must be craaaazzzyyy wild lolooool’

Yes, I cannot control myself.

‘Can you cook anything apart from FISH AND CHIPS LOL’

(There ARE other things to eat in London than fish and chips, but that’s not the point)

Look, I might not be the world’s most renowned round roti maker, but I can sure cook up a pot of chatpata biryani F Y to the I.

Then we have overly zealous uncles who think you’re really modaarn, so think it’s alright to break all concepts of boundaries and personal space with fresh feline blood. 

Yeah…they don’t even need to say anything. Creepy staring is DEFINITELY enough conversation.

Also let’s not forget the gossip-clad aunties who just LOVE ripping you apart with their scandalmongering. They already hate you, so there’s no point even trying to get on their good side.

Like huddles of geese cackling away just waiting to ruin lives…

Too far?

You know it’s true tho.

No but seriously, y’all need to simmer down.

Pakistan Zindabad.