We live in a society where we are constantly judged. Judged for being too happy and judged for even being too sad.

Aap kuch bhi kar lo, people will always find something to talk about. Unfortunately, that is what I was taught while growing up too. And if a backward and strict gharaana comes to your mind from this, then let me tell you that I belong to a very open-minded family. But that still doesn’t help you if you let people define who you are.

After a hundred rishtay wali aunties went off after eating chai biscuit on our drawing room couch, someone actually did fall in love with me.

And well, I finally had my perfect happy ending when we got Nikkahed. I know for most of us this is the perfect ending right? He loved her, she loved him and they lived happily ever after.

But what about after that? Never thought about it like that right? Anyway, cutting it short, the Nikkah went on for a year and then all of a sudden, he broke it off. No questions asked, no justifications given. Just like that, I was sent the three words that could destroy a girl within seconds.

I was divorced. But relax, this isn’t some story about how or why I got divorced and how bechari I am.

Here, I will tell you why it’s time we stop considering a divorced woman as a victim and make an effort to break the stereotypical mindset that is silently destroying women in our society. As a divorced Pakistani woman, here’s what I can tell you from my experience:

People make shaadi the ultimate aim, thinking you’ll never get remarried. Maybe that’s something I no longer want.

“Kyunke talaaq hua hai toh kuch toh masla ho ga na larki mein.”

This mentality needs to change. Moreover, people who shit talk other people’s children should pray they never find their own children i similar situations. Khair, personally for me, within 6 months after the divorce, I had 6 perfectly well rishtas right at my home. So yeah, sane people still exist.

Empathy from others is almost non-existent. Eventually, you learn to live without it.

“Dunia nahi jeenay day ge aise, shadi kar lo beta.”

People will shove their opinions down your throat. However, you HAVE to keep pacing forward. So what if he broke you? Make a stronger comeback and realize that you are enough for yourself. As for people, let them talk.

I had never worked a single day in my life, but all that humiliation made me get up and do something for myself. I got a job, I found my dream (which did not include a man) and I worked for it each day.

People assume ke life kharaab hogayi, bas. Spoiler: life abhi bhi set hai.

“Iss bechari ke toh naseeb hee kharab hain.”

Kya ap mera naseeb parh saktay hain? Is it some sort of a poster I walk around with? How do you know what my naseeb is?  You don’t, right? Also, how does a man decide my naseeb? That’s just absurdly regressive. My fortune is in no way tied to a man’s.

And I honestly hope aisa ho bhi na. 

People will assume you’re a burden on your family. You’re not. 

The one thing people immediately do is make you feel guilty that what happened to you was somehow your fault.

But remember, your parents are the only ones in this world who love you unconditionally. Don’t ever forget that. And don’t feel guilty for something you didn’t even do. Stay happy, stay positive and if you can, try to be independent in tiny ways.

You’re more than the cup of chai you’re able to make.

Beware of the dreaded “log kya kaheinge” getting in the way of your plans. 

“Dark lipstick na lagana.”

“Bright colors na pehnna.”

“Zyada hasnaa mat.”

Saans bhi nahi leti. Ab theek hai? Jeez, just let us divorced women live. Do what makes you happy because dunia ne toh kabhi khush hona nahin hai. But trust me, if you look good, you will always feel good.

Suddenly, people worry about your choti behen ki shaadi. Feel free to tell them off. 

“Haye, choti behen se kaun shaadi karega?”

Koi toh karlega. Aap fikar na karein. 

Remember, there’s someone out there for everyone. Have faith in yourself and your parents. They’ve raised you well. And if someone doesn’t want to marry a girl just because of that, seriously no one should marry THEM. Stay your course and keep doing you.

People assume you either need a man, or need to give up on them completely. Find a middle ground.

While most people will force you into getting married, many will tell you ke tumhe mard ki zarurat hee nahi hai.

Being independent is great and all, but feeling opposed to marriage altogether isn’t technically the better option. It’s up to each individual of course. But there’s no need to swear off love or companionship altogether. Keep an open mind. Just be patient and what you deserve will come to you.

Okay, so these were my two cents on being a divorced Pakistani woman. Since I have been through all of it, here’s one last piece of advice: Whenever you feel like you can’t understand how or why all of it happened, just have faith that it happened for the right reasons and you would be in worse conditions if it didn’t.

Everything works according to a plan. Sure, it hurts, but it always gets better. And you come out stronger.

Here’s Why Sometimes It’s Better To Divorce Than Live In A Bad Marriage

This Single Mom Picked Herself Up After Getting Divorced Very Young And Rebuilt Her Life As A Successful Educationist

Cover image via Irfan Ahson Photography