Editor’s Note: The views expressed here are those of the author’s and don’t necessarily represent or reflect the views of MangoBaaz.
By: AbdulMoiz Sohail
Once the bags are packed with all Shan masalas, Lota, the very comfy night kurta with the misplaced shalwaar and the stuff that your mother tells you to pack because “zarurat parr sakti hai“, you land into your first weekend in pardes babyyy, pulling out your most chamkeelay shoes, if not pants, all set to parrtaaay and take some pictures with a pink and green blinking lights background for your homies back home to get jealous of.
Here are some of the experiences that will happen to a majority of desis unless you’re a pro bro, during or before they hit their naagin steps on the dance floor at a night club in the pardesiland.
1. You will pray Isha, grab your passport and head to the parrtaaaaayyy
Just done with Isha and you feel (just a bit) of your zameer malaamating you. Anyhow you get into the queue with your chest widened as if your abba jee is IG Motorway Police.
2. You’ll not know the difference between a bar and a club
You thought your sight burning side-burn styling was on point when the first gori you talked to in your university asked you, “let’s go to a bar tonight”. Without any doubt, you accept the invitation with all your fantasies bucked up. You tried baar baar but all you could see was a cozy little place with people drinking and talking to each other.
WHAT THE FALOODA bro? Where all the rang baranga floors with even rang barangier bacchis at?
3. You’ll definitely google ‘Free night clubs around me’
You don’t really want to pay cover charge since you find it haraam to pay and also once you convert the cover charge in Rupees, you think it’d be better if you save this amount and have a buffet some day on a restaurant in your apna Pakistan.
Over 1000 search results, within seconds and you go #ShukryaGoogleSharif
4. You are in all probability going to be accompanied by a Disco Maulvi
If you are a guy, you’ll be with at least one Disco Maulvi who intentionally hesitated, once you asked him to join but you never mentioned shaving his beard was a condition. Matter of few hours and he thinks he’s changed to Vin diesel from Maulana diesel.
5. You will never be appropriately dressed for the place
Doesn’t matter if it’s your first time and you feel as innocent as Harambe or your 100th time and you feel as harami as your bae, you’ll always feel under-dressed or over-dressed. Shoes, shirt, teil in your hair, Jeans or genes, there’s something that will always keep you bugging until you get back to your home.
6. People will notice you because of that third world passport of yours
After two minutes, IZZ AWNN BRUV. There are a lot of rang barangi bachiaan and eventually you realize you are similar to Brad Pitt since you both are single (and good looking) even though everyone around thinks you are a barbaad pitth.
7. You will be ordering the halal pink iced lemonade from that garam bartender pinky
You aren’t really a pro bro and eat Halal meat so you order lemonade while the bhootni ka standing with you orders a glass of vodka. Everyone is in the business now and you start thinking how you could buy a sachet of limopani for the same price in your home currency and make a better lemonade than this overcharged lemonade.
8. Your shareef friends will make you take that 1.5 inch masjid position inside the club
Your harami friends are drunk and all you do now is take a cornered position to check out some taaza maal. Of course you think goris were already craving for you so you give them the deep stares. To your surprise, you get some half-assed stares but half of even those are because you didn’t blink and they thought you were having a stroke.
9. You’ll try to fake the lip sync with the playlist
You try to lip sync with the songs being played at club but you can’t. Feeling left out? It’s okay the best part about this is that no one really cares (except your friends).
10. Your confidence will finally start gearing up for some halal moves on haram English songs
Its 2am already and you haven’t really achieved anything spiritually or physically, the halal qourma you had for dinner is still undigested and its time for self-motivation with #YOLO. On songs that you’ve never heard of, you finally pull off the same bhangra steps, IMMADISCODANCERR.
11. But then, it all comes crashing down
3.30 am, everyone is drunk but you are still the same way you entered, still out of the league- going back alone, going back to your own place, in full senses and walking back to your home thinking if it’d be appropriate for you to sleep or pray Tahajjud before that.
About the Author: AbdulMoiz is a NUST graduate who is now studying for his MS at George Washington University, in the US on a Fulbright scholarship. He tries his best to be funny and he considers his biggest achievement so far to have had his face shown at the Times square NYC with the message that he wanted to be displayed “Lahore Lahore Hai”.
Cover image via: Six Sigma Plus