Many Pakistani girls usually break into a sweat as soon “gynecologist” and “check up” are spoken in a single sentence, mostly with bated breaths. Some take laps in the anxiety pool, should you look out for your lady parts or let self-consciousness claim the best of you? Truth be told, exploring your anatomy is a fundamental right practiced rarely by the common Pakistani woman and this needs to stop. But after all that’s said and done, I still can’t make eye contact with my gyno without turning red in the face. I can’t help it, she’s been places no one has….before.
These are some of the self-evolving awkward thoughts that go through the minds of every single Pakistani girl at the notorious gynecologist office (or the exam table):
1. Oh God, today’s the day. Can I reschedule? Should I reschedule?
2. I’m waxed but I hope there aren’t stray hair anywhere…everywhere?
Waxing wali aunty bhi na, kabhi sehi terhan safai nai kertein.
3. I’m sweating too much, I’m sweating too much, I’m sweating too much.
4. And I hope none of the lady bits are sweaty.
5. It’s time for the much dreaded “history”
6. Thank you for weighing me and announcing it to the whole waiting room audience.
You should’ve really explored an alternative career in theater.
7. Seems like I’ve gained 4 kgs. Thank you, potato chips and consumerism.
Pssst…hey, I’m not fat, I’m fun-sized.
8. Surprised my BP is stable after that horrible, horrible newsflash.
9. Sexual partners? Ummm. Haram.
10. Recent sexual activity? STOP ASKING ME HARAM QUESTIONS.
Also, none of your business.
11. Hello, gyno. You’re awfully pleasant for somewhere who’s about to go exploring into the wonderland that is my body.
Discussing the weather? Really? Are we going to be that nonchalant?
12. I’m not sure what you mean by having to explain my “discharge”
My vocabulary fails me, I can’t put a finger on the smell quite yet.
13. You’re gonna have to look, aren’t you?
no no no no no I OBJECT
14. Kill me. Can…you…not.
Should I sit up? Should I lie down?
15. Do we really need a nurse watching over me as I…okay then.
16. Just gonna look up at the ceiling.
17. Please don’t make small talk as we’re in this awkward position.
The worst is over.
19. Just going to have my breast felt up. I’d happily trade this over cancer any day.
Always thought looking for lumps would be a little more emotionally charged than this.
20. Besides, gotten frisked on a regular basis at airports and whatnot.
I’m a natural.
21. Why are their hands covered with gloves ALWAYS SO COLD?
22. I wonder if my future husband would be upset over this touch-feely thing?
Not sure how I’ll explain this.
23. Still have to figure out a way to explain my relationship with the waxing wali aunty.
24. One step at a time.
25. Just keep walking. Avoid all eye contact. Time to get tf out of here.
I MADE IT!
…until next time.