Ah, the funeral. The king of all awkward situations. While funerals are universally known as a time of mourning, Pakistani funerals tend to have a knack for adding some extra flare to them.
Funeral attendees range from people who are actually grieving, to the people who are in a competition to prove who’s the most devastated by the death, to the people who are just there to fulfill their formal duties.
Some of these people tend to add the “fun” in “funeral”. With all due respect, here’s a look at some of the people you find at a funeral:
1. The Rishta Hunter
“Bohot afsos hua jee. So uhm, is your daughter/son still single or what?”
This aunty is either determined on finding a rishta for her gem of a child or is done marrying off all her children and is now considered a rishta-finding pro in her circle. She’s very careful while offering her condolences, trying not to be obvious, but everyone knows what’s up.
2. The Phoneaholic
This is the teen who is so distantly related to the deceased that they don’t even know how they were related. The phoneaholic spends their entire time on their phone, scrolling through their Instagram or Facebook feed, texting their parents to ask if they can leave, or Snapchatting a selfie captioned, “so bored, someone please kill me”. Oh, the irony.
3. The Food Service Guys
This unfortunate group of people are the immediate family members of the deceased and have all the right to mourn the passing of their loved one in peace, but instead all they actually do is seat and serve food to the guests post-janaza.
4. The Khaadi* Aunty
The social diva of the bunch, the Khaadi Aunty will be at the funeral just to catch up with people she hasn’t talked to in a while and is the biggest help to the rishta hunter, pointing out all of the single girls. She can be seen planning the next big party with the other funeral attendees, all the while admiring their clothes and asking the ever popular question, “yeh suit Khaadi* say liya hai na?” She’s also the biggest pain in the food service’s ass.
*Can be replaced by J. or Gul Ahmed as well.
5. The Comforter
The comforter has epic words of wisdom: they manage to say the exact opposite of what you’re feeling, making you feel even worse by constantly reminding you of your loss. Because giving you that lecture on being strong totally makes you feel loads better.
6. The Oscar Nominees
Step aside, Leo, you’ve got some serious competition. The acting skills of these people will give any A-lister a run for their money. They can easily go from being the most passionate mourner to being the loudest one laughing it up with the Khaadi Aunty in a matter of seconds.
7. The Banshee
This aunty probably hadn’t met the deceased in years but still somehow managed to be the most affected by their death. Her pain is made obvious through her loud, piercing screams which make everyone around her even more uncomfortable. Her wailing starts as soon as she spots a close relative of the deceased from a distance. She’s the Oscar nominees’ most fierce competition but wins by a huge margin because of her years of experience.
8. The Dictator
The dictator does, well, what a dictator does. They try to overthrow the control of the deceased’s family and start their own regime during the time they’re present, being self-proclaimed funeral experts. Everyone should pay heed to their priceless advice, otherwise you’ll find them in a corner with a bigger frown on their face than the mourning family.
9. The Awkward Neighbors
These guys have no idea what to do or whom to talk to once they’re done meeting the mourning family so they just sit there quietly, observing things, meditating, sleeping with their eyes open, or converting to being a phoneaholic.
10. The Bichray Huay Rishtedar
These relatives were on a talking hiatus with the mourning family for decades because the rishta for their beloved son was rejected by the family. They spent years ignoring each other’s existence and only when the person has passed away do they suddenly realize how much they loved them and thus become overwhelmed by grief. The arrival of these relatives sometimes leads to some epic family drama, which provides the awkward neighbors with some brief entertainment.
11. The Maulvi
The maulvi will seize this opportunity to earn as much sawab as possible and will hunt down unsuspecting young people to start their dawat-e-deen. They will make sure you’re taking heed in the death and learning from it and force their ideologies on to you. Their prey try their best to escape but they’re no match for the maulvi’s mind blowing superglue abilities. The maulvi is the phoneaholic’s worst nightmare.
12. The corpse
This person is looking down at all ya’ll bitches and laughing at the fact that they got out before you while they’ll be chilling with the un-dead. Who the real winner here?
Have you met any of these cartoons at a funeral?
Cover Image via: Naked Tyrant Productions
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